Her

I sit her thinking and thinking about her,

Am I obsessing?

Am I crazy?

She most likely moves on while I stand here pondering what had brought me here

I think of what could have been,

Even though I know I shouldn’t dwell on it

I love her

She’s family

She was my light,

My older sister,

A shoulder to cry on

A friend I forever long to have again.

I know what I did was wrong,

Looking back I hadn’t even noticed

I had long lied to myself, and in turn lied to you

Secrets and lies are sin

With them,

All withers.

I continue pondering on what I should do,

Hoping for the day you come back

I was a scared young girl hoping to show her best self,

Not her whole self.

It’s nearly been a year,

But somehow I don’t recognise the person I was

I wish I could show you who I am

Not who I thought I was

For some reason I can’t move on

Maybe because I saw everything I hated in myself,

And suddenly became vastly aware of it through what you said, and didn’t say

You forced me to find myself

I couldn’t pretend everything was okay

I couldn’t lie to myself

I could get help

Help

I didn’t believe it would help,

I hate that I needed to lose you to gain it

I hate how much I love you

It hurts so much that you’re not here

He’s asking me if I want to take the joy,

I wish you were here as I’m sometimes so lost

I want to look to you for guidance

But I guess I need to look to myself sometimes

To be independent

Not dependent upon another

To function on my own

Not function for someone else

To love myself

Not seek others love of myself

I want to thank you,

Hug you,

To cry on your shoulder

You’d be proud of me

I have a long way to go

I don’t know if it’s enough

But I’ll keep going until the day comes I can face you again

And we can be sisters again