He's Always There

i
bright eyed typhoon of giggle fits over a ridiculous picture where my nose looks too big for the screen
a student of passion and promise though i tend to fall sick almost weekly, a sniffling garble of prospect
i exude nurturing kindness from my every pore, bubblegum bright and sugar sweet to stick to your cheek and hopefully (hopefully) see you tilt a little grin
a lilting voice of melodies i love to play, love to bring to life with tiny shaking hands, nubby fingernails a baton
college bound in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, sea rock where the sky is bright and a crooked smile outweighs the gaze of an overbearing sun
i
tug a drawstring pluck the bowstring, it rings
into a night where i share a floor with my mother to sleep
pink sheets surrounding me, bubblegum sea to keep
me from drifting
but my thoughts start drifting medication of the day is wearing off, i'm lifting
someone is lighting a cigarette beneath my window a harmless action woody ashen it brings me back to then
my hands up to his neck and pulling close, breathe the smoke feel the scratch of stubble feel a sob choke
"go outside," he pushes, pushing me with his hands so big he stretches them out and out and he is distant
but all seeing
as i trudge along the gardens plucking lilikoi breathing being
he's pavlov ringing a bell and i come running
hear him rave of guns and pills and broken nails, a lovely scarf of rope
i ask him to stop but he says no, its who i am, she did this and you love her
dont love her
i dont love her
but i lie
and he's all seeing, ever knowing, a fleeting being and he's being rational, he screams, no one cares
and after the thousandth time i still say i care
but i lie
because after the thousandth threat and the thousandth 'death' this wolf can no longer pull the wool cap over my head
and i feel my feeling fleeing
see what he means when he insists that he feels empty
"come closer," he murmurs, eyes welling
i push, pushing with my little hands out and out, him and his bloody hands his raging fists he used to beat a women before my little eyes, he is distant
but all seeing
always watching from the place in my mind where he resides at night, through the hum of ebbing lexapro and sleep
clinging to that bubblegum ocean, rising as an overbearing sun
i
cut him from my hair
but behind my grinning mask daddy devil's always there

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