Hi! My Name Is...

I am Chobani strawberry yogurt.

I won’t eat any other kind.

I am the glob of toothpaste that won’t wash down the sink,

the four empty bottles of contact solution on the bathroom counter,

the cat hair consuming every fabric I own.

I am a collection of habits, choices, sounds and smells,

of coconut shampoo and unscented lotion,

which I use because I have sensitive skin.

I am the Eminem records I blast in the car

when I need to scream.

I am a collection of DNA:

My mother’s hands

signing receipts at the grocery store,

her smooth knuckles,

the ridges in her fingernails.

I am my father’s lessons

about pedophiles,

drugs that will turn you into the people down at the bus stop,

and the importance of not getting pregnant with the wrong man.

I am a collection of circumstance,

a product of Aberdeen, Washington.

I am Kurt Cobain’s depression.

Wind storms, wet socks, and blue tarps

are my heritage.

I am the American middle class:

biennial vacations to Mexico,

stocked refrigerators,

new school clothes twice a year,

frequent trips to the dentist,

and central heating and air conditioning.

I am my education.

Two shelves of books bought with my Daddy’s money.

I am the movies I watch instead of reading them.

I am my disappointment with reality.

I am 21 years old, blonde, an exhausted former athlete.

I am not a virgin.

I am naïve.

He wouldn’t say he loved me unless he meant it, right?

Spitting on my brother doesn’t make you mean, right?

My friends use racial slurs but they’re not bad people, right?!

I am white privilege.

I am not and can never be the only black girl in my high school

who hung herself when she was 14.

I am learning every day about the rapes and the violence

and the institutionalized structures they forgot to put in the curriculum.

I attend university paid for with my Daddy’s money.

I am everything I wish was different about the world.

I am Janet Jackson and Lady Gaga when the door is closed

and my roommates aren’t home.

I am wearing lipstick and a nice jacket

and waking up everyday

and trying

even though I feel confused.

I am the spider in the bathtub

attempting to put as much distance

between myself and the drain as possible.

I am a woman

with a voice

who is slowly learning

how to use it.