Hiding from My Body

When I think of my fears,

I used to think of myself.

Yes, me afraid of me,

Looking in the mirror that can’t be me.

I used to look down at myself and see someone else.

Who's that?

Just another girl that thinks she's fat.

I had bad self-esteem that I thought was normal,

Just another teen in the scene living the American high school dream

Who hates herself.

It got to the point where I didn’t want to eat,

So I didn’t all day. Then as soon as I got home, I would binge eat.

Food and not eating were both my obsessions at the same time.

I couldn’t look down at myself without feeling hopeless.

I would hold my stomach in even when no one was looking.

I was just a waste of everyone’s time.

I didn’t deserve attention or gifts.

I felt like Christmas started to feel like a horror film.

I avoided showers and mirrors like the plague.

I hated myself until my I couldn’t stand the feeling of just how much my heart ached.

So I dug myself deep into this feeling

of not thinking I was worth it.

The opposite of just fine on the surface, I was a mess.

People knew it but didn't stress,

Or knew how to help or didn’t care.

But at some point, I had to do something.

A year passing with absolutely nothing.

There was no one to blame but my own demons

I was sick of it!

I was going to help myself

How did I overcome this fear of myself,

Afraid of showing my size to anyone

Especially myself?

I started running almost everyday.

This was my way of trying to wake myself from this sleep.

Running on the railroad in this small town,

I told myself that my mental health was more important than studying for history,

Lifting myself up as much as I could everytime I could.

It takes as much time getting into a depression

Than it takes to get out

I just wanted to feel alive during my couple years in highschool

I am more than just the fat on my stomach and my chest

Took me a long time to realize I was the opposite of what I thought

I am not the worst; I am the best

So I stared in the mirror every day saying

I got this!

Worked everyday,  running away from the numbness and the pain

I'm sick of hurting!

Now I feel alive for the first time in a long time...

I am finally living.