Hiding in the Pain

I’m not whole

Not anymore

Maybe I never was

Now

I’m broken

Holding on tight

To each shard of me

Sharp

And harsh against my skin

Tearing me apart

From inside.

And on the outside too

I’m scarred

Red lines crossing my skin 

My arms, my chest.

Scars from scratches etched in my skin in a moment of pain and hurt and fear.

Scars from the chains I bear.

They’ll fade soon

But more will take their place.

When my fear rises 

Bringing too much emotion

Too much with which to cope

I’ll turn to pain again

To hide my fear

Escape my inner hell.

It’s easier,

You see,

To hide in pain,

To let it clear my head of all the fear.

So I will gladly take the scars

The bruises that I give myself

Let them make me what I am:

A broken soul

My broken soul

Shattered

Too many times to count

But it rises

Once again

To fight against the tide

Which pushes, pulls me down.

And I will rise

And I will fight

Because I must.

But if I had a choice,

If I didn’t have to try

For everyone who needs me,

If I was truly alone

I don’t think I’d fight.

I’d quit, give up, give in.

I’d let death take me,

Because that is easy.

That is safe, and warm, and welcoming.

A haven

Where no more pain can come.

Someday

I will go.

Then

I will be hidden. 

No longer will I have to fight. 

Then

I can be done 

This struggle will be over

This fight which never seems to end. 

Then

I will be free.