Hiding in the Pain
I’m not whole
Not anymore
Maybe I never was
Now
I’m broken
Holding on tight
To each shard of me
Sharp
And harsh against my skin
Tearing me apart
From inside.
And on the outside too
I’m scarred
Red lines crossing my skin
My arms, my chest.
Scars from scratches etched in my skin in a moment of pain and hurt and fear.
Scars from the chains I bear.
They’ll fade soon
But more will take their place.
When my fear rises
Bringing too much emotion
Too much with which to cope
I’ll turn to pain again
To hide my fear
Escape my inner hell.
It’s easier,
You see,
To hide in pain,
To let it clear my head of all the fear.
So I will gladly take the scars
The bruises that I give myself
Let them make me what I am:
A broken soul
My broken soul
Shattered
Too many times to count
But it rises
Once again
To fight against the tide
Which pushes, pulls me down.
And I will rise
And I will fight
Because I must.
But if I had a choice,
If I didn’t have to try
For everyone who needs me,
If I was truly alone
I don’t think I’d fight.
I’d quit, give up, give in.
I’d let death take me,
Because that is easy.
That is safe, and warm, and welcoming.
A haven
Where no more pain can come.
Someday
I will go.
Then
I will be hidden.
No longer will I have to fight.
Then
I can be done
This struggle will be over
This fight which never seems to end.
Then
I will be free.