"Him."

"It's funny cause he would always say how all he wants is for me to be satisfied and happy with my life but I only had that with him and only him. I don't know if he still needs me or if he's now perfectly fine on his own. He's so close, sometimes it feels like he's right in my face, yet he's so far, so distant. There's a far away look in his eyes, as if his body's here but he's way off somewhere else. I don't know if he's as broken as I am, he could be worse or he could be all better and all of what I'm saying could just be me feeding myself a bunch of bullshit. And you know what scares me the most? Call me selfish if you want, but it's not the fact that he might not be ok. I can handle him not being ok, in fact I'm used to it. Him "not being ok" is the person I fell in love with. But the thing that scares me the most. Is actually him being ok. Him healing and becoming a person I'm not accustomed to and unprepared for. Him eventually coming back and meeting me in a bad state. Him reaching out to my curled up lifeless body, and him reaching out his hand oblivious to my current state. Him dragging me a few steps and then realizing I was still just dead weight and that I am clearly only an extra unneeded weight to him and that he'll be better off without me coming along for the ride. I'm scared of him coming and leaving again. Him asking himself why and how I was still in my pit, while he had risen so far up on the ladder. I'm scared, in fact currently I'm outraged at the fact that he can't tell I'm slowly dying without him, and by the time or if he ever came back for me (like we planned), I would've been long gone. To a place far far away, without any explanation but the word, "Him"."