Him.

He never hit me. 

He never threw me to the ground. 

He never threw around dehumanizing terms. 

But he did still hurt me. 

He touched places I told him not to. 

He held onto me harder when I tried walking away,

And I've got the bruises to show for it. 

He ways suggested we go farther,

But that was one thing I wouldn't let myself agree to. 

He always wanted to know where I was. 

He got mad when I wouldn't text him back. 

He blamed me for his emotional problems. 

He took away my freedom. 

He took away my independence. 

If I tried to walk away, he dragged me back and held me in my place on his arm. 

If I tried to pay for myself, he aggressively said no, then blamed me for "always spending his money". 

One day, I told him I couldn't do it anymore. 

I said I'm not in the right place to love another person. 

So, for a while, we broke up. 

And then I got happier. 

My life got better. 

I thought, maybe I'm good enough to be in a relationship again. 

So we dated again. 

And it was worse than before. 

He held me harder,

He pushed me even farther,

He got mad at my hesitation. 

I never thought that he was the problem. 

I thought it was me. 

I thought I was too sad,

Too broken,

Too used to being alone. 

It turns out, abuse isn't always noticeable. 

It's not always yelling and screaming and fighting. 

It's not always bruises and bumps and pain. 

It's not always physical. 

And sometimes, it's disguised as love. 

Because he loved me, I know he did. 

And I know he'd never hurt me on purpose that way. 

But he still made me hate who I was,

He made me scared to tell him I didn't want to be with him,

He made me terrified that everything was going to be my fault in the end. 

So I tried to push him away. 

I drew back. 

I wouldn't let him near me. 

I hate what I did but it saved me. 

It saved me from becoming someone I'm not. 

It saved me from changing myself to be what he needed, what he wanted. 

I still did change, though. 

I'm more cautious with who I let close. 

I don't trust people easily. 

I pull myself away from crowds. 

But more than anything, 

I'm scared to love. 

Because if he showed me what love really is,

I don't want it.