To Him

To Him,

I remember how much I loved you and how much I thought you loved me. I remember the kisses and the hugs and the hand holding. I remember the jokes and the laughs and the funny faces we would steal from one another in secret. I remember everything as if it was a dream. And maybe that’s all it ever was.

But the distance between us now is not a breadth of hair, nor a grand canyon. No, it is so large it is the space between the earth and the moon. And it is fraught. It is fraught with tension and everything left unspoken.  And it drives me mad. I was a girl with a blindfold, blinded by love, waiting for my happily ever after that would never come. I fell for your eyes but they hadn't seen me yet. They hadn't seen the real me. They'd just seen the me that you had wanted to see; the me that everyone told you to see. But I guess we're all guilty of that.

Do you ever look at me and see the girl you once loved? The girl you had once promised forever and "three days" to? Or was that all a lie too? All those loving stares with glints of affection- was it all fake? Was it just an act? Maybe you learnt too much from the theatre. Maybe you took the class we first met in a little too seriously. Maybe you just didn't care half as much as I did. But you sure did act twice as well. So I still have this one question for you and it is- do you even miss me?

I remember all the apologies. From me. I remember all of the make ups. That I had to initiate. And I remember all the times you lied to me. I remember the times you had let it slip that there was someone else. Someone else’s body that you’d seen all of in the bedroom. Or was that all a lie too? I remember how well you pretended you had forgotten everything I had ever did to make you the happiest guy in all of the world. But perhaps I wasn’t doing a good enough job. Perhaps one hundred ten percent wasn’t good enough for you.

I want you to be happy, but I want to be the reason. I let you hold my love and I let you become my happiness. And that's where I went wrong. Why can't I hate you? Why can't I be infuriated with what you've done to me? It's because the inner me is stuck in that one level below what I know now. I’m submerged under ignorance and faith. My eyes have been cut out by hope's own devilish claws. I shouldn't have trusted someone else. I shouldn't have trusted myself. And now I'm left with the crippling ramifications. This was all just a game to you, maybe a game of Life. But to me, it was my life. And maybe that's where I went wrong.

Sincerely,

She