Him

Dear Him

it’s not that easy being a person
the lack of sleep and dazed eyes come with it
the purchase of an overbearing mother and a father
who is in the form of a liquor bottle
waking up in the morning hearing the walls fill with voices
I would think it would be easier if I just covered my ears
maybe if I were deaf the voices would stop
but still somehow they would find their way in there
so instead, staying up makes the sound go away
or maybe it might be easier when the night starts to emerge
getting ready for bed as you walk through the halls
the only thing staring you down is the cheap beer glistening in its sin
the eyes of the poison, smiling with contempt because they know
they have won for the past 18 years

Or maybe it’s when he talks to you promising this is the end of his doings
for a moment you belong to the eyes, believing them
trusting them as you were taught to do so
you start to discard the twisted reality
in doing so, you are now part of the routine
only for you to hear those words repeated over and over again
and again
and again
I’m waiting for the day to come when it stops
I’ll be here
standing still in the routine, delaying my happiness

The only way this will happen is when she leaves him
She too, is bonded in this routine
her role plays the part of “Leave get out, I don’t care anymore’
as much as I want the routine to finish
part of me wants to hold on forever
I can’t just leave something I’ve became acquired to
the ironic sweet bitter way of life

It’s not easy knowing it’s your fault
as I lay in bed crying countless nights only for the white walls
to hear prayers upon prayers
the silent cries and blankets soaked in tears
as my mouth opens to scream the only thing that leaves
is the void within my muteness
I stand still in the routine
holding that position for someone to hear me
being required to uphold my mother’s religion
I was taught that there is someone listening

its embedded in my heart at such a young age
it makes you think over time
and soon you come to see that there might be something else
more than the begging, and suffering
you would think over time people become numb to this
“something else”

My final choice has been made
and I think that is why
I will continue to stay in this routine
I have seen and felt feelings that are unforgivable
therefore,
if there is someone out there listening
he will have to beg for my forgiveness.