Holding On

Thu, 02/06/2014 - 21:33 -- Sprixi

Without my individuality, I have nothing to hold on to.

At all times, I feel I have to use creativity

and my own uniquity in order to succeed.

I need to ride the train cruising on the rails of my own normal

and be myself without being the main one judging who that is.

I really think this belief planted itself onto me when I was little.

 

I liked to do things no one else would

I wanted to be what no one else did.

I wanted to be a botanist, someone who studies plants.

No one else knew what that was and I thought that was exceptional.

 

my parents

being sensational parents

were elated that I didn’t want to be like “him and her”

but also a tad troubled.

It seemed they were afraid that one day

I’d want to change that part of me that wanted to differ from everyone else

to be the like them in the purest form.

So they emphasized individuality

like one would emphasize looking both ways before crossing the street,

or table manners.

 

When I got a bit older

middle school more or less

I began to be so self conscious

and filled with self loathing

that I tried to hide from myself and everyone else.

And turned to self-violence

 

It was better

in my my mind

to stay out of sight than be seen

because if someone saw me

I could be judged.

Someone

would see all the horrid little things

I saw in myself.

 

Constantly

I tried to figure out everything “mainstream”

Justin Bieber

One Direction

these clothes

these books

this look

this demeanor

 

Though I liked some of these things

and experimented with others

the amount of them I hated

overwhelmed those I had become easily accustomed to

In the end

I stopped attempting to like those things

and even pretending to.

I was reminded for the upteenth time

that in order to achieve happiness I had to be true to myself.

 

Consequently

This belief is influencing me in many ways

It has many times stopped me

from settling with just “blending in”

or from being someone I know in my heart I’m not

Though I no longer want to be a botanist

I think what I hope to go into

journalism

and/or fashion and design

will appreciate this

and lead me to accomplishment in those industries.

I am no longer tolerating

the kind of self hatred I felt at that period of time.

It wasn’t fair to the person I kept hidden away.

I can’t say I don’t care what people think,

because there’s always that small piece of me

yearning to be a people pleaser that guides me

every now and then. But that’s the thing.

It only guides

suggests

it doesn’t control.

I don’t let it affect me so much

that it changes who I am.

Because I vow to be true to that.

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