holy fight to pick

i’ll be in your neck of the woods soon maybe

or i’ll be near you next year

next month

tomorrow?

it makes me anxious to think of what you’d say to that

i guess because i know what i’d say

if you called and said you were at my farmer’s market 

my doctor’s office 

my school.

my eyes feel hot, brimming over with this stupid anger

stupid because all i have to do is throw it out into the open 

“do i make you happy? is it just me or are you less into this than i am?”

but maybe i don’t want to ask that

because i know the answer 

and i don’t fucking deserve - i KNOW i don’t deserve 

to be hurt like that

i just don’t fucking deserve that. i’m sorry.

i rebuff that, i won’t allow that, i will not let that happen to me. 

i have stood by and been strong for too long. i will not be the reason this ends. 

if the universe wanted her to hurt me it should’ve put a “no” in her head

i will not have her hurt me.

i will not taint the purity of this love with retribution

for the thousands of crimes i must’ve committed to land where i am now. 

it doesn’t always work out for other people, other people get hurt by their lovers.

i do not. i will not. we will not. 

hey, universe? it’s me, down here. 

if this is what you wanted,

you should’ve just left me alone.