HOPE TO FORGET

Dear Insanity,

When I was Nineteen I forgot how to write

I forgot how it felt when my pencil hit the paper

My mind had completely lost the remnants of eraser marks across tear drop covered letters that I had written to myself

the pain that comes rushing like title waves when that pencil hit the paper

The way my hand shakes as it unintentionally wrote all the things I was hiding inside

Reconnecting those fears I had stored away like the old tattered sweater in the back of my closet that I can't quite seem to get rid of

Have you ever been so close to someone that you thought you could never live without them?

like a best friend

 So, comforting to say

Because a best friend is the only one that knows how to pick you up when you’re down

The only one that knows all your secrets and reminds you of who you are

You crashed into me

Or I crashed into you

I'm not quite sure but that's beside the point

It was the strongest shake I had felt in my life like an earthquake beneath my feet

The cracks in the pavement became sink holes as I stared at you

They always say you haven't lived until you've loved

Well I can surely tell them, I wish I wouldn't have lived

Because every joke became a laugh and every laugh became a story

Every stranger became a friend and those friends became my family

Every discussion became a dream and every dream became our reality

Now every part of you has become a piece of me that I can't get out

You are the only one who has taught me how to fly

And shown me what it feels like to sky dive without a parachute

You remind me that I’m alone but are always there for me

Like the time you cut off my legs then taught me how to crawl

Supportive

When I hear them say you haven't lived until you loved I wonder to myself if any part of them still shakes like my hands when that pencil hits the paper

If their hearts race like the deer in the meadows when they touch

Where their center of gravity is when the pavement cracks beneath their feet and the earth begins to spin

I think to myself they must be newly married because I know now that you don't die until your heart breaks

You are the only person that knows in which direction my tears fall

We share the secret that they don’t fall straight down

Because when I’m crying I’m usually laid out on the ground

Tears don’t fall how they should when your eyes are swollen shut and your lip is busted up

But only you would know that

Only you would know the sheer ear-piercing sound of my exhale

What it’s like to hear me beg in the most genuine form

You are my best friend and abuser all in one

That pain is my helping hand

And my escape is all make believe

These are the things I’m made to believe

Told to believe

Lead to believe

As the night grows old

my fears stretch their arms to take me in,

I Embrace that I still somehow have my sanity

And I wish I would have never remembered how it feels to write again

Because every joke seems to be less funny and every reminder became a story

Each story became a memory and every memory has become a nightmare

So, my hand shakes more now than ever when my pencil hits that paper because everything I write ends up sounding like hey I don't know if you need it yet but I have your old tattered sweater in the back of my closet.