A Hopeful Girl

the nineteenth year
of my life, complicated as a teenager
confused as a lost bird,
a hopeful young girl.

a hopeful young girl.

i had expected to think
differently than this,
more innocent in my thoughts,
more concerned with my israeli heritage,
less developed in the frustrations of life at this young, angelic age
i had expected something
easier than this.

i will be twenty soon.
my mother once was twenty.

but my mother is now forty,
a woman of many responsibilities
dismissing them from her own self,
trusting others to take over her duties.
stress has made my mother frail,
yet she remains very wise
and beautiful
and scared.

i have dreamed dreams
for you mommy
more times than i’ve wanted to.
i have tried putting myself
in your state of mind
but we both know
that’s not healthy for either of us.
i have taken your mistakes
and built homes in my mind where they will stay
which unknowingly get more occupied
like the israeli communes.
but i stay hopeful.
a hopeful young girl.

in the nineteenth
year of my life,
surrounded by calamity,
a perfect picture of
the life i will leave behind
when i become a mother myself.
i had not expected these responsibilities.

if this is the final
challenge to prove my strength,
if my years continue
with this umbrella
over my head,
may the rain stop
and may i be wiser
and more empowered
not scared
not lonely
moving out of my mother’s shadow
into my own.
into my own.

i had expected something easier than this.
i had not expected to be only a hopeful girl.