how am i really?

im tired ....

tired of the way im treated

tired of always being the one left lonely

tired of always crying myself to sleep at night

tired of waiting for someone to actually care about me

tired of not being taken seriously

tired of always being the wheels 

tired of  always being last

tired of shit not working out

tired of trying to fix shit when its broken

tired of being lied to

tired of trying to please everyone

tried of trying my hardest and never getting no where

i feel like a loser

i feel im a worthless peice of nothing 

i feel like i shouldnt even be alive 

but im thankful to god that i am

i dont have money

i dont have a job

i dont have a car

and i dont have a real honest relationship

im only 19

and my generation is so materialistic 

that if you dont have somthing going for you

then you dont have anything

i have different values

i have different dreams

but with the way the world is

those two things 

mean nothing

i used to bask in my own beauty 

until guys became attracted to me

now im really ugly 

or at least thats how society 

sees me.

i am scared 

scared to love 

scared to be happy

scared to become dependent

scared to do most things honestly 

because im so used to everything failing 

i want my own.

something,and some one to myself

but everything is either taken from me or lost

and no body really wants to stay with me

im so used to being called  beautiful 

that i cry tears of pain and missery

i keep thinking what is wrong with me

why am i always the one left

always the one who cant focus

always the one emotionally heart

always the one left in the dirt

how can someone say im so beautiful when 

no one really sees me

still i try to be seen by one

i want to love only one

and cherish only one

and be with only one

yet i am the only one

whos still walking down lonely roads with no one to protect me

i want to feel needed

i want to feel wanted,and appericated 

i want to feel protected by the one i want to love,cherish,and protect 

im tired of starting everything over,and over,and,over again

wondering when will the cycle end

i just want one somebody to spend all of my time with

someone that motivates me when im stressed 

someone who helps me when im depressed

i just want someone to wipe all of my tears away

someone willing to work with me

though all my struggles

take away all my old pain

i just want to be loved completely

and love that one person completely

but my life will never be like that

as a matter of fact 

everything that i just said is all 

botteled up

in the back of my head.