How Are You?

It's not like I'm trying to keep quiet, But that's all I've ever been told. If I say I like to read, it's: "OMG just be quiet. You're weird. Who even does that?" When I say I go to church, it's: "OMG how? It's so boring. Maybe that's why you're so lame." While I say I disagree, it's: "You don't know what you're talking about. Just shut up." And now I try to speak and the words don't quite form. I try to fit in, and I don't quite fit the mold. I try to get excited, "But you're acting so fake. Are you even really happy?" I try to express my opinion, "Seriously? Of all the times you choose to speak, that's what you're going to say? I try to come out of my comfort zone "But hey, won't you get in trouble? Your PARENTS won't let their BABY do this kind of stuff anyways." So I try the in between of myself, but that's far from in between I guess. I act genuinely happy, "But you don't get excited enough. It's like you're not actually living." I try my best in school, "But idk. I got a 98, but you got an 82, so that just shows how better off I am than you as far as differences go." And I try to express my feelings, but "Oh yeah. I getcha. That's like the one time I..." But... it's okay. My tears sitting on my phone probably like your story. But I better not say that out loud or I'm an awful person. WHY CAN'T I BE MYSELF WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY But I better keep quiet. Keep these thoughts to myself. Because they don't listen. They don't understand. But why do I keep it bottled up inside? It's just not healthy. Because my opinion doesn't matter. Because you really don't care how I feel. And why aren't I happy? Why don't I get excited? Because the war within is toying with my emotions. And because I'm suspicious of how it feels to hear a good joke, rather than being the punch line.