how do you explain these feelings in words?

How do I tell you I'm not doing so well.I don't feel real feels like i'm in overview almost like i'm not the one thinking like someone else is thinking for me I swear i'm not doing these things on purpose I just want to get away from everything I was hoping to overdose tonight but I just couldn't but i really wanted the pain and guilty to go away, but i killed her because she wasnt me she was just a cover up like someone I made so i could fit in but “she” wasn't a she was a he but he didn't want his parents to hate him so he which is me covered it up by her. He just didn't want to disappoint his parents so he did everything he could to make his parents proud but he was slowly falling apart he tried asking for help but he just thought he was being dramatic so he covered it up masked it up did everything to act like everything was okay but he just stayed in his room locked himself up and would get upset at the silliest things he would cry over anything his parents were confused but he wasn't upset he was just hurting. He looked for a way to get rid of the pain. He used self harm as a coping way to get rid of the pain but it just made it worse. Sometimes he would cry so much it would choke him up and make him lose his brain. How do I explain these feelings with words?