This is how I am, how I've always been

Let me tell you a little about me

I actually don’t give a damn about you,

your dreams, what you’re into, who you like, or your family situation.

I don’t and I don’t feel bad about it either.   But I won’t say it out loud to avoid getting those

mean, dirty looks that don’t understand and say with glares that I am a cold, heartless misfortune.

I will however say out loud that I feel little on the emotional spectrum.  What I feel-when I feel anything- is numbed down.  It’s as if my rainbow were made more opaque and it swims in an ocean of gray.  Those sparks of orange are exciting but they are quick, fleeting.  Don’t look at me likes that’s sad.  We don’t all prefer pink, fluffy worlds where unicorns fart skittles.  Just thinking about that makes me cringe. 

I am not depressed.  I did not choose to make myself like this.  This is not the outcome of some sappy heartbreak or difficult childhood where my parents did not tell me they loved me enough.  Some of us are just born like this.  This is how I am, how I’ve always been.  This is how I feel, how I’ve always felt.  And there is no reason for me to change.

I’m content with my emotions. 

While I may not tell you how your day went doesn’t interest me at all, you can see from how I walk, talk, and act that I’m just not a bubbly, super social, party-starter kind of girl.  You call me chill, quiet, calm.  You can see the dead in me a little but you also see those bursts of enthusiasm and you see me get down on the floor cuz I do LOVE to dance.  But not for anyone, not anywhere.  Because I am picky after all. 

I don’t care that most of the time I don’t care.  Because sometimes I do care and it’s genuine.  I don’t care that most of the time I may seem bland and boring because at other times people wonder how so much energy and sass fits into this 5 foot, 110 pound body. 

If I’m mean, crude, sarcastic… If I make you feel uncomfortable or hurt your feelings…  you need to get over it.   Oh and guess what, I’m only really mean, crude and sarcastic with people I don’t like.  Damn, I tried really hard to hide it.  Woops. 

Let me tell you the weirdest part, but maybe the part you’ll understand best.

I may not give a damn about you,

your dreams, what you’re into, who you like, or your family situation.

But I do deep down under all the gray like you and actually care about you.

Some of you know and get it.

This is me.  I can’t change me.  When you see that and understand that, we can be great friends and my humor, my comments, my seemingly dull personality will bring such joy to your life. 

Because like I said.  I don’t feel a whole lot.  But I do feel joy when you feel joy. 

I have my moments.