How I Learned To Love Myself

You don't want to be in my head 

You don't want to know my thoughts

You don't want to hear the roaring lion

Or the stormy ocean

See the faces of those I have wronged and those that have wronged me 

Feel the all the ways I have felt 

Feel the loneliness 

Feel the pain 

The silent suffering 

Everyone said, "You're Fine" 

Even though I knew I wasn't 

They said, "Calm down"

But I didn't know how to 

They told me I was overreacting

But I was overwhelmed 

No one ever listened 

So I stopped telling them 

Then I told someone who

I knew would help 

But they fell through

And I was left on my own 

Then I met Kristie 

And Kristie told me my feelings were valid 

Kristie never called me crazy 

Kristie never told me I was overreacting 

Kristie was the only person who could help 

And then Kristie shattered me 

Kristie gave me the diagnosis 

The diagnosis, she said, "Doesn't change anything" 

But it changed everything 

She told me I had Autism

 She told me, "It's just going to help us help you"

 But it didn't help me 

Because being told your brain works in a way science will never understan

 Hurts like a car slowly sinking to the bottom of the ocean 

Knowing that you will be stuck with the car slowly filling up with water

Until the car doors unlock after the 15 seconds that feel like decades 

Then you resurface 

And clarity is like a smack in the face 

And it makes me go back over the memories 

The memories I tried to forget 

The memories that made everyone call me “A crash-out” and “Attention Seeker” and "Drama Starter"

But this time, my memories were seen through a different lens

A lens of hindsight

A lens of a girl who is not the same person now then she was last summer 

So I go through all the memories

The moments forever frozen in my mind 

The memories that made me end friendships 

And the memories from when I started them 

The memories from the best days of my life 

The days that I wished would never end 

And the worst days of my life

The days that I would have rather slept until I was 30 than go to school 

But then I realized

I haven’t felt like that in a long time I

t was that second when I knew I did it 

The worst was over 

And I know that there will be bad days 

But not as many as fast 

Because even though I’m “Special” 

Even though everything those middle school bullies 

Can now say they are right when they called me those names 

I don’t care anymore 

Because I know that there are people who love me 

People who understand me 

And people who want to help me 

And I never have to listen to those idiots ever again