How to Kill Your Mother

Do not forgive her. Do not forgive her when she calls you fat. Do not forgive her when she says, “I hate you.” Don’t forgive her when you are her only regret. Carve her words into your door, so she can remember what she said last night. Hang up pictures of everyone but her. Make sure everyone is smiling. Cross your arms when you talk to her. Don’t talk to her. Do not forgive her when she wishes you were never born. Call her by her first name. Don’t look her in the eyes. Steal from her, even if it’s something you don’t want. Lie about it. Threaten to call the police. Go through with it. Do not forgive her for slamming you against the wall. Do not apologize about slamming the door. Slam it harder. Do not visit her in the hospital. Tell her you couldn’t stand the smell. Cook the recipe she taught you. Do not offer her any. Do not forgive her if she takes you shopping. When she asks if you love her, do not answer. Do not love her. Do not hate her. Don’t be anything to her. When she asks if you remember her brushing your hair, tell her you don’t. When she smiles at you, look away. Do not forgive her when she complains about you to her friends. Do not forgive her when coffee and friendship mean more than family. Do not forgive her when B-I-T-C-H is the only way she can remember how to spell your name. Do not forgive her for the plastic surgery. Do not forgive her for the pills, or the drugs, or the alcohol. Do not forgive her for not saying, “I love you” enough. Do not forgive her for crying. When she complains about your music, play it louder and angrier. Do not apologize for being loud or angry or sad. Do not forgive her for never letting you forget how many times you’ve fucked up. Do not forgive her for having you. Do not apologize for drawing on your walls, or the empty pizza boxes, or cigarette butts. Do not apologize for the black boots and lack of makeup. Do not apologize for the stains in the carpet or the dirty clothes. Do not forgive her for not letting you play sports. Do not forgive her for putting makeup on you so young. Do not forgive her for being skinnier and constantly pointing it out. Do not forgive her for buying you clothes too big. Do not forgive her for continuing to buy you makeup. Do not cry, at least in front of her. Do not laugh. Do not make a sound. Leave. Leave her. Run away. Leave everything she ever gave you. Just run. Get as far away as you can and change your number. Never call her again. When she finds you, pretend you don’t remember her. Fall in love. This will hurt her the most. Make her watch as you love someone more than you could even care to like her. Do not apologize for this. Love harder. And when you have a daughter, kiss her. Tell her she is beautiful. Love her. Love her more than your existence. Kiss her bruises and cuts. Kiss her eyelids. Protect her. Not from the monsters under her bed, but those inside of her head. Never tell her that she will understand when she’s older. Learn from her. Let her point out how beautiful the beetles are. Hold her when she finds the dead bird. Tell her that death is not something to fear. When she asks if you love her, smile. Tell her that that’s not a question she will ever have to ask again, because nothing could ever make you love her any less. How to kill your mother? Let her live. Let her watch as you love your daughter. Let her watch as you become the person you always aspired to be. Let her watch you be happy. This is the final shot. Ready? Take aim. Fire.