Hungry

by T.Sykes

September 29, 2013

Hungry.

It all began when I was young.

I was full of life and loved to have fun,

But slowly as I began to age,

Food, for me, took center stage.

It started with a snack or two,

Then it became a meal or three.

Even then it seemed nothing was ever really filling me.

Before I knew it I was a swift 210.

Distancing myself from the mirror again and again

Because my reflection didn’t match who I felt I was inside.

Would anyone ever know?

Not a chance because I had way too much pride.

When I became 12,

I took matters into my own hands and

That’s when I opened the door to my fourth greatest passion, dance.

I would jump, turn, and bump the night away.

Later the change was seen in the 22 inch waist I have today.

Then I started to see the real beauty come out in me and

With high hopes that everyone else would finally see,

But the wish I had so desperately wanted to come true

Lead to me to another path of hungry,

Except this time it wasn’t for food.

I started fueling my hunger with ambition.

And there is nothing wrong with that,

Except success requires a certain level of expectations.

Once you meet one goal, you have to think of something bigger and better to call your next.

So in laments terms you’ll never reach that much wanted standing ovation.

That gratitude, that yearning to be on top because even when you get there,

There is nothing in you that says, “Stop.”

It was always keep going, you have top that, too

Because if you don’t there will be no love left for you.

So as I grew and grew, of course people started to notice.

That’s when competition came in the door and winning over others became a bonus,

But slowly the cheers and the applause began to quiet,

So I needed to find something new to fulfill my lessening diet.

So I started looking left and I started looking right,

Then finally a new substance came into my sight.

Boys.

Oh and how it fueled my cravings because

They came a dime a dozen.

Light-skinned, dark-skinned,

Dreads and low-cuts.

Hazel eyes, brown eyes,

Oh how it drove me nuts.

At first it was all innocent,

Just wanted an extra friend or two.

Then slowly that turned and all those friends became my secret boos.

Letting them grab and touch, I thought it was just fine.

Plus no one else knew and I mean it was only my behind.

But all of a sudden it went from behind to my breast

And then a little farther down and eventually

All this foreplay lead to the real thing

And the next I knew my feet were on the bed and off the ground.

It happened once, then twice, but I just couldn’t let it go on to three and

That’s when I finally realized that I was really just looking for someone to say they loved me.

I mean I’d heard my family say it, but I never felt it was true.

How could people who loved me, leave me hurt and bruised? (Not physically)

I had friends who said it,

but would they even be there in the end?

It was ridiculous, how alone I felt

In a sea full of people.

I was my own true friend.

I had lived in a mountainous build of lie amongst lie.

And every which way I turned, no one could ever answer me, “Why?”

Why it felt like everyone who may have actually loved me, would eventually leave.

Why I felt so betrayed and deceived.

Left in the rumble, left in the ashes.

No one there to pull me out.

No on there for me to grasp.

So bit by bit and piece by piece,

I started hiding away who really was me.

Putting on a mask and putting on an armor.

Building up high walls that were sound as thunder.

No one was breaking through because

No one was even looking for me

Or at least that’s what I perceived it to be

And that’s how it was going to be internally.

So suddenly my walls began to quake,

There was a man at the door who said, “Down these walls, I will shake.”

I laughed at the voice in me like who do you think you are?

He said, “ I am the sun, the light, and the brightest star.”

I stood there idol and let the bewilderment unfold.

He made gentle conversation and said, “All that is hurting you, let me hold.”

I didn’t want to trust him, there was no way I could believe him.

Who was this man who stood in my face

And boldly said, “I’m the one who was always leaving him.”

Huh? Back-track. Always leaving who?

I had the right mind to say, “I don’t even know you.”

Before the words could evade my lips,

He cut me off and said exactly this …

“I knew you before the foundation of the world.

I held you every time you cried and wiped away every tear.

I stood by you even when you felt the world had walked out.

You strayed from me and into the world with

Every inappropriate thought,

Every opposing word spoken,

Every irresponsible move,

every time you did not listen,

Every time you did not count on me when you became afraid

And every time you used my name in vain.

I stuck by you, pulling you closer to me,

But you couldn’t feel my love because it wasn’t where you really wanted to be.”

As he spoke, tears had to have been rolling because

It rained a many days and finally he stopped

And said, “ Do you want all of it to end today?”

I tearfully cried yes and

He grabbed me by my hand

And shook the walls that had taken me so long to build.

I finally knew who this man was

And I knew I wanted to do his will.

So, God please let my hunger be directed towards you.

Thirsting and craving in all that I do,

So I may grow weary and hand you all my pride,

So that I may sit back and not worry about how you turn the tides.

God, please be my fuel and become my heart, too.

God always remind me that you are here,

So that I continuously stick by you.

Keep my mind focused and

Far away, far away from temptation because that is the seed that torments every nation.

I don’t want to be torn. I don’t want to be confused.

I only want to bare the pain that draws me closer to you.

So God, I humbly pray that you rest in me,