Hurt Into Healing

Dear Birthgiver,

Writing this letter to you seems surreal. I’m not quite sure how I should really feel.

You are the one who gave me life, but why weren’t you there to encourage me to thrive. Instead of loving me, you became enslaved and I can’t help but wonder if you can be saved. Everytime I see you you’re in a daze.  It’s as though I have been all but erased. Please tell me how a mom just walks off and leaves a little girl standing at the door, begging, “Mommy, please!”

I’d like to know if I matter to you.  Do I cross your mind as much as the pills do? All I ever wanted was to know that you care. There has been so much that I’ve wanted to share. The embarrassment I felt from you never showing up; the pain from this alone was like a punch in the gut. Imagine the damage it did to me to see all the other kids playing with their mommies.  

The older I’ve become I’ve started to believe that all you ever did to me was deceive.

I thank God everyday that He blessed me with a dad who held things together for me ironclad. He’s loved me and taught me so many things but the pain you have caused he could never explain.  

I have a new life now and one can’t deny, the odds were stacked against me, but I’ve truly defied. I hit the books hard and have done well in school. I took all this hurt and used it as fuel.

My dad has remarried and it feels so good, to have a new mom who loves me in ways I always wished that you would.

    I’m hoping one day you’ll get clean and commit to a life that includes me, that is, if time permits.

   Look at me mom, your precious baby. Can you get sober now?  Please?  Maybe?

Love,

Kylee