hurt more

I wanted it to hurt more not in a gut-wrenching way not in a way that would leave me scarred but in a way that I'd remember. not a lot, just enough enough to explain how much u meant to me because when it ended there was no collapse no sleepless nights no echo of your name lingering in my chest just a quiet that felt too easy to sit in and i hate that i hate how quickly the space was filled with silence that was there prior it stopped feeling like something was missing it felt wrong like I had skipped a step like grief forgot to find me because if it didn’t hurt then what was it? what were we? I wanted something to ache something to hold onto even if it was pain because pain. at least proves that something lived there. but this this felt like trying to remember a dream you know it happened you know it mattered but the feeling is already gone slipping further away the more you try to hold it and maybe that’s what scares me most not that I lost you but that losing you felt so light it made me question if I ever really had you at all.