Hurting Love

I cannot love him. 

But I cannot help being in love with him. 

I fall in love all over again everytime I look into his eyes. 

And every time you ask me, 

I won't be able to explain why. 

No matter how hard I continue to try. 

People call it abuse, and say he is using me, 

but I could not live the same if I even though about 

leaving. 

I know that he doesn't love me or care about me 

or need me 

but oh, how good does it feel when he says it, 

no matter if there is a lack of sincerity. 

I cannot love him.

But I cannot help being in love with him. 

Everytime he holds me in his arms, 

I feel as though I am safe, 

as if there could be no harm. 

But then when he uses them to push 

or hit

or choke

All there can be is this sense of alarm. 

That leads to numbness, and loss. 

Then he says "I am sorry"

And all of that love somes rushing back into me.

I cannot love him.

But I cannot help being in love with him. 

The day I leave is the day that I die

whether that be caused by him, or I.