I Am...

I am the product of my home life and environment.

I have recently taken a psychology class, so I guess it is just on my mind 

It is shocking how far the apple falls from the tree, hitting poor people like Newton

My life was not as easy as it should have been, but thank God for intervening

The son of an alcoholic is not easy, constantly being subjugated and nagged in a feeling of 

IM NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

To this day I am still afraid to be a leader in class or sports, because if I fail it is a one way trip to my past and I do not have enough sanity to afford the return trip

If you asked me how I am doing I may say fine now but my tear soaked pillow and sheets seem to shine the light on my innocent lie

If you ask me if lying is wrong I will say yes, so please refrain from asking how I am doing because I dont want to be a hypocrite

Honestly those kinds of questions show that you care for me which I constantly doubt, so I guess being a hypocrite isn't so bad

There is the uphills and downhills of life and I seem to take the low road alot

I have never done a drug, or partied, or drank in my life, thank the same father who said follow my teachings not my actions for 17 years

My fathers parents died in about A two week span, he lived with them for about 16 years, because the divorce broke his spirit and his bank account

I loved them as much as he did, but the feeling of not feeling has become something I am used to, in fact I may be a sociopath

My father got three D.W.I.'s, lost his licence on the first one, then proceeded to drag me in his drunken stupor, which landed him in prison

A year and a half passed and I finally was able to see my father, I was so happy and ready to see him get back on his feet, and succeed 

The first time I took him out he invited a prison buddy, we drove for a while because neither of us knew where anything was at

I drove forty minutes from my mothers house to get to the city, but it did not bother me

We passed a resturant called whiskey creek, my father said lets eat there! I said no. My father insisted, no words have ever made me cry instantly before until his next words

"I want to have a few beers with my dinner."

I cried and relished in the past right in front of my father and his buddy

But we still went, and the cycle continued. My father now lives in Kentucky, which I do not. We talk, but thats all we can do, for he spent all his money on alcohol and other pleasures that emptied his soul, and his pocket

Before the move I went to a church camp, I was saved there 

God saved me from my ocean of alcohol that was consuming my life, and I never consumed a drop

With God I overcame those averages of bad kids coming from bad homes, because sometimes I feel like I was in the worst

Sometimes life hits you and it hits you hard, but that just differentiates you, from your neighbor, and that is not a bad thing

The bad comes when you decide to never listen to your parents, or to commit crimes and go to jail leaving fatherless children with heartbroken mothers

I am negative about this world, but it is only one part because the world sounds evil, another part because I have lived that evil

When the world rages against me I shall sing a hymn to combat it

I used to be another shade stalking in the shadows looking for purpose, now, I am much more brilliant, incandescent

The songs I sing have meaning, the words I write have a story, and my mind is no longer fogged up

This poem is depressing I know, but that is a part of life

And I have decided to move on

Thank you Jesus

Amen