I am

Well... when she ended it I felt like it was the end of my world and it tore me up because I saw that my place in the universe was frozen in a nightmare, yet the rest of the universe was moving in bliss and tranquility. But that is a different me. I think that I am a direct result of what happened to him. I will not go as far to say that I am a lost soul running in purgatory but i feel like when I felt frozen at the time I was exposed to the wrath hidden inside the harmony passing me. Maybe That is what it means to grow up. Maybe I am just clinically insane. We cared for eachother, I had her, she had me. I felt frozen while the rest of the world moved. Now I feel like I am the only one moving in a frozen world. It's a mess and I made it that way. It has been drilled into my head by teachers, parents, friends, etc., to clean my own messes, figuratively and metaphorically. But what do I do when the mess looks like it belongs? What do I do when the chaos blends into normalcy? What if It is telling me to accept it because for me, chaos is normal? But the chaos is not good for me...but I can not stop. Thinking this deep into things is who I have become, it is why I am alive. I like chaos. But it is a parasite. It is the drug that allows me to feel like more than what I am but it is also the drug that makes me drop when I soar to high. It grants me my ascension into heaven then drags me down as the gates are opening. It is a paradox. It lets me live but does not want me to have a life. Damn...