i am afraid

i am afraid of the dark

     but i am more afraid of the light

i am comfortable in my darkness

     because i have been here awhile

i am afraid of opening the door

     and throwing open the window

     and letting in the light

     brilliant and unsettling

i am afraid because i am afraid

     when i see the light

     i will be disappointed

i am a scared little girl

     who does not know

     what the light i cannot see looks like

i am trying to understand

     who i am

     what my purpose is

     and if i get any light at all

i am afraid if i hit that switch

     my light switch

     that i will discover that

     not only does the light disappoint

     but is not there at all

     that the light everyone speaks of

     has looked me over or

     passed me by or

     forgotten me altogether or

     even worse

     forsaken me

i am afraid of being wrong

     and of getting hurt

i am terrified of losing

     of losing my fire

     of losing you

     of losing a light

     i never had in the first place

i am many other things beside

     musician

     student

     composer

     bulimic

     author

     talented

     kind

     driven

     lost

     genuine

     clever

     lonesome

     witty

     lover

     depressed

     real

     friend

     and perhaps those other things about me

     are the light i so desperately long for

     but if they are not

i am afraid