I am Afraid and Insecure

I think I’m not worth anything and I also think I’m not smart. I tell myself I’m annoying and ugly. That no one loves me. And I believe it. When looking at myself I think I’m fat. I know, no, I think that I’m alone. I cannot be in this world. Being alone is what scares me. So do heights. And clowns. I fear, no, dread presenting in front of people. They can judge me. I am paranoid they will hate me. Why shouldn’t they. I fear new things. I always fear people who are close to me dying. I know I’m not perfect and society’s eyes. I fear society. I fear living too. But most of all I fear...... being  with someone who eventually will break me. More than any person can repair.

I look into a mirror. How do I look? I don’t feel confident about how I act I think I show it. I hate my smile. My height is weird and I’m on sure about my weight. People keep telling me I’m skinny but I think they’re just saying that. I’m so fat. Am I dumb I think I’m dumb I know I’m dumb. What do people think of me? I dread falling in school. People will laugh it will be so embarrassing. I could not take the humiliation. My other fear is of spiders. Just the very thought of them makes me think that it might be worse than embarrassing myself in front of everyone. 

I fear all of the people I’ve done wrong. I think one day they’ll come back and get revenge on me for what I’ve done. It sounds darker than it is, everyone makes mistakes right? I know they do. I fear that the bad side of me will one day rise up inside of me and take over. I’m scared that one day I’ll let all of my insecurities get to me. I also fear the walls that I’ve built up over the past will come crumbling down. Will I be the one to make them come down or will someone start taking them apart brick by brick. I know all of these things will happen one day. Just you wait. 

I hate my eyes. I question my weight. I think my nose is weird, so is my smile. I hate spiders, well bugs in general. I also fear dying and losing all friends and family. Loneliness scares me. What if the apocalypse really could happen? Failing scares me along with being a failure. Being mauled or being shot are some of my worst fears. I don’t want to go to jail ever. I’m scared all eventually fall off my life plan. I could do this by not finding love or being used. Embarrassment scares me. Along with being used is fake friends. I hope to never have fake friends, and I hope I don’t have them now. I’m scared of snakes. When you think of a snake you think of a reptile with things and a flicking tongue getting ready to attack its prey. I’m scared of those but there’s not the type of snake that I think about. I think about the people who pull others down in order to rise up. I think of the people who take the power that they have and use it against others. That is what I call a snake. I’m scared of those. I’m scared of detentions. Yes, detentions. It may sound stupid but I am scared of them. It would make me feel like a failure and I am not a failure. Another insecurity and fear is being alone forever. Being alone would be the worst thing to come true. I surround myself with people because I realize now that I’m fighting off that fear that I’ll be alone forever and have no one to turn to. I do not want to be with no one in my life, ever. Sometimes I feel like I only have one person on earth that understands me sometimes those are my parents and even then they’re not really there. People think I’m weird. I think I’m weird. But sometimes I don’t embrace it sometimes, and I hate to think that I do this, but sometimes I discriminate myself for being the way I am. For being unique, for being different for not being as normal as the other girls. My weight annoys me.  I don’t like my weight because when I look at that number on the scale at the end of the day it makes my self-confidence plummet. I know I’m not fat. And I know you’ve probably heard this before. But I don’t think I’m beautiful. And my height doesn’t help. I’ve never been the tallest one in my class. And my best friend jokes about my height sometimes because she’s always been taller than me. But sometimes my height makes me feel useless. Like I cannot do anything when the taller people are able to reach higher it makes me feel that I can only reach as high as I can physically. It makes me feel like my goals will always be smaller than everyone else’s and that scares me most of all.