I am afraid of getting better

I think I am afraid of getting better

I see the smallest bit of sunshine peeking through

And my heart accelerates into panic

My blood boils at the thought of seeing sun and not just rain

My mind,

It snickers

It knows i will never get better

It has instilled a great fear of taking a helping hand

Because happiness is not guaranteed

And i have lived with pain for far too long

Blades in my hands to tell hushed secrets to my

Skin

Suicidal thoughts that come knock at my brain

Willing my hands to write millions of letters

Where the wind carries my goodbyes

And i am convinced those around me will be better off without my fake smiles,

My disheartened soul

I know i am supposed to try

But it is hard to get out of bed

When an invisible pair of ghostly dark hands pull me back down

Inside the covers

Safe in there

without all the bad

Just me, my thoughts, and music flowing in and out my ears

It is hard to want something that you’ve denied yourself of

For too too long

It is hard to grasp the concept that there will be days where happiness just comes in chunks

And be okay with that

Because i want happiness that flows for years

Weaving in and out of me where laughter comes naturally

Where smiles aren’t just glued on

But felt

Deep inside,

In my heart

And it is hard to try and feel happy when I know it’ll just come to a fast paced end

But

I am not afraid of getting better

I reached out for help,

Went to therapy

And opened up

Let all my rose petals fall that protected me

Kept me shunned from the rest of the world;

Let the vineyards within me reach for help in growth

Despite my heart growing scared

Despite the palms of my hands starting to sweat

Even when my mind tried tricking me into telling lies

Instead of admitting i had a problem,

I wanted help,

I needed help

I got up every morning

Even when the hairs on my arms stood up in fear

Even when the rain tried to make its way back inside

Even when all i saw was gloomy days on rainbow days

I accepted the sunshine and let it make a home in my heart,

In my mind

I let my mind dwell in sadness,

Let it truly feel this feeling that’s dropped me down for so long

And then let it rejoice in smiles

And jokes

Let it see movies that not only brought sadness

But blooming flowers that radiated happiness

I let the birds chirp good morning,

And my playlist play happy tunes

Instead of sad ones

Because every step

Mattered

Every step

Was another step closer to being okay

Not happy but okay