I Am Always Fire

I am always fire,

and these two,

they are always rain,

sometimes water

and sometimes gasoline

but always exactly what I need.

They are two halves of the whole

I wish I could be,

because

my heartbeat is the bass

of a rock concert echoing

through empty church pews

that my fire always seems to burn through.

So instead of lifting my hands high

I point their palms toward the floor,

and let them find grey converse

and white tennis shoes

that have always kept them on track

And don't tell me I don't need that,

because my highest hymn is their heartbeats

and my bible is the words they speak.

And in confessional I wrench broken sobs

from a chest cavity deceptively empty,

and they take them from my hands

and tell me to say ten Fuck You's

and use their arms to bandage old wounds

I keep cutting open.

You see, I've never been religious,

but I've always known there's something greater,

and I've found my something greater in

Her and Him with capital H's

because every bible verse can be translated

into wars I want no part of

and hearts that never healed.

And the empty church pews of my heart never fill with music,

but instead with the sounds of unanswered prayers

and the flames of a God that never found me

and two friends who dug me from the ashes.

And that's why they are Phoenix wings.

They have always been father,

have always been my warming sun,

and like Pac-man they

will forever swallow my holy ghosts,

and I don't mean to boast

but my friends?

Well, they're more like brothers --

and sister --

because we cut our veins out

and laid them end to end,

cut them again with a few broken promises

and bled our apologies

back into each other's hearts,

chained by our blood-veins

to one and other.

But lately my fire has caught my bible up.

It has drunk the water of their rains

and burned through pre-severed veins

and I don't know how to stop me.

You have been Pheonix Wings.

You are church hymns and bible verses

and full hearts and empty pews,

and now I just need

You.

I want the worst of you

and the best of you.

I want to be your church pew,

and I want to be the ache in your knees

because of prayers sent from hardwood floors.

I want to be the knock on a confessional door,

and the screams and whispers of your secret prayers.

I want to be there,

for every broken hallelujah and every

cursed Saint who promised you safe travels

and instead lead you to me.

So basically,

Let me be your Pac-man.

Let me be your guiding father,

the light of the sun

by which you read these bible verses,

and write your four-letter curses.

Let me breath my apologies into you,

and inhale your heartaches in return.

Let me learn

to be to you

what you have always been to me.

Let me grasp your hands

like a rosary,

and I swear on bent knees,

I won't let go.