I Am ... Finding Myself

You don't feel anymore, you don't know how to 
It's a strange concept.
You can smile, and laugh, and act happy 
But you don't know the feeling
there was a time you did, but you don't remember 

'I'm pregnant', your sister says. You only think of how this baby will ruin your life with its crying, 
and how your sister will have to put school on hold
You can't imagine feeling anything for this baby

A few months later, your in the hospital
Sister had a little boy and you don't go near- it
But when she asks you to hand him to her- you feel.
This 6 pound little boy does something no has done - he makes you feel ..
. Hope , no
He makes you feel ... Love 
And it's amazing

You stop- for awhile , you stop hating yourself
You spend so much time with this baby, who is innocent and Beautiful
And slowly you begin to feel again
And it hurts
Because you can't imagine not loving this baby, 
and what about if one day this baby doesn't love itself

This baby- your nephew 
Becomes your heart
You know him so well, sometimes you think he's yours
He's changed you, not completely but
You're different

The real changes don't come until your 16
You spend a weekend with your dad and his family, 
'32 hours of hell' you call it
Turns out daddy doesn't love you because your ugly,
daddy doesn't love you because he has a new daughter- daughters
It's okay.
You have mom, sister, brother and a nephew whose smile brightens your day
And you adjust, but it hurts.

Then your sister has a little girl
little girl has to stay in the ICU for days
You see the love & pain in your sisters eyes, in her husbands eyes
In your eyes too

So you think about the baby
And how she's  barely in this world
And she has love, so much love
And how you don't have the family she does
You are jealous of a baby because she's going to have a good life, a life of love 

And you realize it hurts , everything hurts
you have friends but not many 
you have no self-esteem 
you are so messed up, you can't love
daddy doesn't love you and dear god, that hurts 
but you don't love you either , and that hurts even more 

You want to be different 
You want to change 
And the changes begin

you try to love yourself 
You spend time with family
You get rid of bad influences
You hang out with friends-good friends
Your play with your nephew
You stop calling yourself ugly 
You read more books
You get rid of that razor 
You teach your niece to walk

ANd you start to find yourself 
You wear clothes you like
You find out you love avocado
you're nicer, and people notice
Oh, and you start to love.
And while you don't like getting up early
You like to run as the sun comes up
You become confident
You love music-well more genres 
You aren't scared to talk to people
You talk, and you don't stop
you are happy
And you love yourself 

Feeling again is good
Finding yourself, even better