I Am Fine

I am dependent——maybe codependent.
I am sick——I am fine.
(I’m everything I wish I weren’t.)
Today I am fine. I am fine. I am fine.
And I suppose that is one of my greater lies.
I am I am I am I am… Fine?
Wait.
What is that?
What is that looking me in the face? As I blink it blinks too.
What is it? What is it? It couldn’t be me. NO! It couldn’t be you-
-With its prescription bloodstream and its swollen eyes. Yes? Yes. It’s me. It’s you.
Welcome to your present, one you never expected.
Who knew you’d become so much like her and yet nothing like she wanted?
Who knew you’d spend your nights dreaming of screaming
Just love me a little! Just love me a little bit! Why couldn’t you just love me a bit! Just a bit!
Who knew you’d spend years wanting nothing more than to be held and healed and maybe adored just a little?
Instead you mull over your glass of nothing and think and think and think:
How could you know how to be when this life didn’t come with a manual?
In the end it’s best – you decide – that you lie and lie and lie and lie.
They love me.
They love me not.
Maybe it’s best if they don’t so I don’t.
Maybe it’s best if it’s just me staring at me after all.

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