I Am a Goddamn Warrior

I needed you like I needed a cigarette. Like tar to my lungs, you poisoned my life. I was only 17 and thought, "This is what love is"...

It was more like drowning.

 

The bruises you left on my body were nothing compared to the bruises left on my mind and soul. 

 

I was a whore. I was a liar. I was pathetic.

 

On my 18th birthday, a day meant for celebrating me, my mind was only consumed with you.

What you wanted,

How you felt, 

What you thought of me. 

I needed only your approval - literally and metaphorically. You could do no wrong. I even made excuses for all your mistakes, despite mine being unforgivable. Even when you cheated, it was my fault. Everything was my fault. 

You fucked her in our bed because I didn't make you feel loved enough. I was only trying to spend some time with friends and family instead of spending my every waking moment with you. I learned to never do that again.

 

I was a bitch. I was fat. I was ugly.

 

You had me entirely convinced that you were the only person who did or ever could love me.

I had to cut ties with everyone I knew because I was either "fucking" them or you just didn't like them.

You built me up only to tear me down.

 

I was dumb. I was immature. I was weak.

 

In order to leave our house to go somewhere, do something, you needed something first.

You felt entitled to my body because we were dating.

You weren't.

 

When I'd finally had enough, when I finally had the courage to stand up for myself, you covered me in bruises. Locked me out.

 

I was alone. I was still in "love" with you. I was lost.

 

Despite you being solely in the wrong, I blamed myself. For everything.

I should have done this,

Said that,

Stopped doing what wanted and lived exclusively for you and what you wanted.

 

Now here we are, years later and I finally feel okay again.

I can breathe again.

I cut my hair.

I dyed it the colors you told me you hated.

I have friends.

I can go out and not have to worry about you'll say or what you'll demand when I return.

 

I am free.

I am beautiful.

I am loved.

I am a goddamn warrior!

 

Most importantly, 

I now know that I don't need you.

never needed you.

I didn't do anything, it was you.

It was you all along.

This poem is about: 
Me
Poetry Terms Demonstrated: 

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kayj.miller

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