i am happy (Creeping Suspicion)

You talk to me like I have never before felt pain. 

As I am writing this, I just want to cut my wrists and feel the sting.

But I won't.

I am healthy now.

I am normal.

I am happy.

I have an apartment.

I go to school.

I have a boyfriend.

I am determined.

I work hard.

I am alone. 

I am sad.

I have no money.

I am slipping into debt despite all of my best efforts.

I am different.

I am antisocial.

I am distant.

I don't trust anyone.

I am dead inside.

I am pretending.

I don’t want to pretend, I just have to.

I am sick of letting people down.

I am tired of being bad at being a human being.

I keep trying.

I keep quitting.

I keep coming in and out of consciousness.

I keep trying.

I keep thinking that I am trying.

I keep thinking that I can keep trying even after I have already quit.

I keep losing myself.

I keep letting my illnesses win.

I keep remembering that I am more than my illnesses.

I keep forgetting that it is worth my strength to fight them.

I keep remembering that I lost that fight a long time ago.

I keep forgetting that nothing really matters.

I keep forgetting that that perspective is toxic.

I keep forgetting that perspective is all in my mind and my reality is numb.

I keep forgetting that happiness exists.

I keep losing happiness. 

I keep trying to find it. 

I stop looking.

I stop caring.

I stop living.

I stop trying to die.

I stop wanting to die.

I stop seeing death as a nightmare.

I stop dreaming of death. 

I stop searching for meaning.

I stop wanting things.

I stop stopping.

I let you think what you want to think.

I know you don't really care. 

Neither do I.

The cosmos seem pretty.

I hope that’s where I go.

I hope my mind shuts up.

I hope the afterlife is nothing.

I hope that’s all I know. 

Therapist oh, therapist.

Thank you, I am crazy.

I love what you have done with the place.

That place in my skull.

 I hope your it makes you feel like you have a soul.

These drugs feel fine.

Just a little hazy.

That nothingness I wanted feels so close.

It is now with me always.

I guess I am not alone anymore.

Thank you for the emptiness.

I knew I could never be whole.

Don't mind my ruthlessness.

I guess it is better to have a hole in my heart,

Rather than a hole in my head.

For you, I mean, maybe for me in part,

But why care for someone who doesn't care for themself.

Now, now, Don't be so forlorn

Help yourself, while the body is still warm.