I Am Letting You Go

Because I love you and want what’s best for you… he says as he hits me again.

The smell of alcohol stronger on his breath than roses in a flower shop. The look is his eye more furious than a lion approaching his prey. The strength in his blows stronger than any person should be touched. The lies spewing out of his mouth like a fountain at night.

And just like a water fountain has a certain magic to it in the moonlight, I am justifying his actions because he is magical… when he is sober.

I justify his actions, his blows, because maybe he’s right. Maybe it is what’s best for me. Maybe I did do something wrong. I know he loves me… he just isn’t at his best right now. We all can’t always be our best all the time, right...? Even the most beautiful things have their flaws.

It’s ok. This is alright. Just wait for it to pass. He loves me. I know he does.

…

No.

 If he loved me, he’d smell like the roses he brought home for me when I’m having a bad day instead of alcohol. He’d look at me furiously in love and not like I am his prey to devour. His strength would be used to always protect me and not to harm me. Affirmations, truth, understanding and love would spew out of his mouth instead of lies.

He is not love, he is danger.

What’s best for me is not him and I should have known that the second he hurt me the first time.

He cannot, and I will not justify his actions because this is not love, this is abuse.

 Yes, even the most beautiful things have flaws, but he is not beautiful. He is the reason I’m afraid to sleep alone at night and that is not love.

Because I Iove myself and want what’s best for me… I am letting him go.