I am lost. I am human.

I just go blank, mute.

Forget why I was mad, why I felt anything, what I was saying, how to feel

I can’t express it, not through words.

I cry sometimes.

Not from stress, I’m only 18; I’m not supposed to feel stressed.

Not from loneliness, I have plenty of people that care about me

Not from not knowing what is to come, I like the thrill of the unexpected

I just cry.

It’ll last for minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes days

Depression has crossed my mind, bipolar disorder as well.

I just cry.

Not from playing a bad round in golf, I’ve considered surfing.

Not from living in North Alabama, the south has grown on me.

Not from feeling second best to my younger brother, who wants all that attention anyway?

I just cry.

I make excuses to divert attention away from how I am feeling.

But, I do cry.

From being bad at the sport that I love to play.

From feeling like the black sheep of an athletic family.

From living in the shadow of two successful and intimidating parents.

From trying and failing.

From being questioned about the things I am passionate about.

From all the expectations other people put on me.

I cry.

From being away from my friends and family.

From living where I live.

From being told not to travel down certain roads because I’m black.

From feeling overwhelmed.

I cry.

From failed past relationships.

From driving the people I love away.

From not fitting in.

I cry.

Because I am drowning in loans and slowly slipping beneath the surface

I cry.

Death no longer scares me. I see it as relief.

But I am not suicidal.

I cry, because I feel everything and only pretend I don’t.

I cry from the thought of not achieving great things.

I cry over the possibility that I went through life to never equate to anything

But in this world there is no time for crying, only work, and success

So I won’t cry.

I can’t cry.

Not anymore.

Not until I’ve reached success.

Not until I’m good enough.

And then, it will only be a cry of relief.

At least that’s what I was taught

No one is going to pity you so there is no point in pitying yourself.

I listen to music,

Sit by myself,

Hold 3 jobs,

Listen to more music,

Party,

Go out with friends.

Smile,

Watch television,

Laugh,

Do my work,

Think about what I’m going to do with my life,

Major in Biology with Environmental Science Concentration. Minor in Computer Science.

Grad School at Columbia University, Masters Degree in Software Engineering

Be something.

So who am I?

I am scared.

I am a female.

I am black.

I am a golfer.

I am a scholar and a student.

I am a child.

I am anxious for my future.

I am an emotional rollercoaster.

I am Mera… and I am only human.