I Am Okay

Sat, 12/20/2014 - 21:55 -- beccavz

Location

I am weak.
My skin is crisscrossed with
cracks
fissures
gaping wounds
and I am breaking
crumbling
into dust
from the inside out

I'm a mess.
I tremble as I try to hold myself together but pieces of me are breaking apart
falling to the ground
shattering
into a million pieces

I am terrified.
I gasp in pain as I
squeeze my eyes shut
clench my hands tightly
until imprints from my fingernails stain my palms
And I try to breathe out of my nose
but I'm choking on my own breath, my lips are quivering
and my ears are ringing, bleeding, and I think that there's no possible way that this is normal
 it can't be normal to feel this way over such an
insignificant
minuscule little thing
and I think that
I must be doing this to myself,
 I must want myself to suffer must want myself to feel this emotional and physical pain
otherwise
I'd do something about it
I'd speak up
I'd scream
I'd cry
I'd think about
anything other than the fear threatening to take over my mind

I am hysterical.
My hands claw at my hair
pain vibrates through my body
 my legs tremble and I clutch my hands together tightly
in an attempt to keep myself from throwing something
breaking something
screaming until my lungs are empty and I am empty
hollow shell of
self pity
loathing
frustration

I am drowning.
I've lost sight of everything
There is nothing to grab hold of
Nothing ahead of me
Behind me
Next to me
Nothing
I slip below the surface
and for one tiny moment
Everything is
quiet
numb
motionless
then it all explodes
In a fiery burst of
Light
Clarity
Joy
fading into a dull ache
of relief
and exhaustion
and as the water washes away
 all the dirt and blood and tears
I smile, because I can
finally, finally breathe

I am okay.

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