I am a Sick Man

           I am a sick man. I called her and broke her heart into pieces, like all the promises that I had made to her so many thousand times. She said I was cruel, but I was quite frankly just being honest. I tore her down like an empty, lonely, abandoned building. I loved her like I was driving a Ferrari on a dead end road. It was fast, exciting, liberating, rejuvenating, surreal, then I ended it so abruptly. I am not sure why. I don’t know who I am; I am still trying to figure that out.

            I still have the rope- braided wristband she gave me, with all the letters and cards. I don’t know who I am but I know what I am. I am a sick man who plays the game because I am a player, a loser according to her. I am a gentleman who will take you out on the town and make you feel like you’re made of starlight. I am a caring man who will bring you soup and dessert when you are in a time of sorrow, except when I am the reason for your sorrow, pain and anguish. I am a real sick man. I am a romantic man, who remembers all our anniversaries and significant dates, and goes to all your events and brings you roses. But I cut you worse than any thorn could.

          I am a family man. I will play with your little cousins and show you how unique I am. I am as unique as a child; for I am just a boy. I am a sweet boy who will walk you to your door, and kiss you goodnight. I will kiss you like you are the only thing I will ever need, like a millionaire needs his money to keep his place. Except you cannot pay anyone to hurt you as strongly as I did, that’s priceless. The grass is not always greener on the other side; it is greener where you water it. I am an optimistic. I ran out of water, like Religion run’s out of faith. You put your complete faith in me like I was your entire world. I broke your trust like I broke your soul. Broke it into millions of pieces like I am a sinner.

       I am a sinful boy who is full of lust and desire. I coaxed you like a sick boy trying to jump off a building. Running to save him until I push you off the building. Making you fall on the cold, hard ground. Breaking and shattering every. Single. Thing you believe in. I am a nightmare. I will crawl into your bed and into you and confuse what is and isn’t reality and make everything seem so surreal. You think I am a dream come true but I am not. I am the monster under your bed. Waiting until you have put your guard down like a criminal puts down his weapon. Except you should have known better shouldn’t you have?

You know anything could happen. You try to cover your eyes to hide from all the secrets in your sleep. I am deceit. That is where darkness grows. I am darkness.

I gave you everything you needed, I have everything I need, but I don’t think I need you. I know I told you I did. But what did we learn!? Anything could happen. See I am really helping you, you see. I am teaching you a valuable lesson here. You’re welcome. How does it feel to sleep in your lonely, cold, abandoned bed with memories, which is the only thing keeping you alive. How does it feel to drown in your own thoughts?  See, I wouldn’t know.

I am not even a man.