I am Smart

When I was in elementary, I knew I was different

I wasn't stuck doing the boring easy books in first grade. I was reading long chapter books like Harry Potter

As a second grader, I got a fifth grade spelling list

In third grade, I took a trip and was given a pile of math homework. I finished it in a day and when I came back, my class hadn't even covered half of it

In fourth grade, I read more books than anyone and the counselor personally gave me a huge set of books she didn't need when she moved on to a different school

In fifth grade, I was always bored with classes and I got answers easily

In elementary, I knew I was smart

In elementary, if you asked the kids to describe me, they'd all say I was smart

In middle school, I felt I was different

In sixth grade, I noticed I had higher scores than anyone. We took a test every month and while everyone scored 60s, 70s, and occasionally 80s, I consistently got 90s & 100s

I made sure everyone knew it. It was my best quality after all, being smart

In seventh grade, I was still the same. Still smart and letting everyone know about it

But I noticed something else that year. No one liked me. I was a "show off", of course. Always telling people that I have As and high test scores

But that's what people thought about me, that I'm smart right?

But I didn't want to be hated, so I told myself not to tell anyone about my scores and my grades any more

In eighth grade, I was still smart. I just never shared my scores freely

One particularly difficult test came one day and I got 400-something out of 500, a nearly impossible score. Of course, I celebrated for a bit and a teacher came by and took a picture of my score

Then I noticed the girl next to me. Her face was sour and she looked irritated

Stop it. I stopped my mini celebration, and walked outside to get my lunch silently while the rest of the class stayed in, still taking the test

Later on that day, I was walking by the same girl. She was standing in front of me with her back facing my face. She couldn't see me, but I could see her and hear every word she said

"I can't believe she got another high score. Why is she such a try hard? She's just sucking up to the teachers and-"

I walk past her holding down tears. As I pass, I hear her friends laugh

"What the heck, she can't even say anything?"

That day many people asked what score I got. I didn't want to seem rude, so I told them. I got the same responses every time

"You're so smart. I wish I had your brain."

"Why are you so try hard?"

"Fuck you"

That last one came from a friend of mine saying it as a joke, which I laughed at outside, but cried about inside

There was one person who I wanted to tell about my score without waiting for him to ask me about it first

My teacher. I told him my score as soon as I got in the classroom

"You really are a show off like they said huh?"

When I entered high school, I didn't want to be different

I had an art class and we went around telling each other our first impressions of each other. I got the same response

"I thought you were smart"

"You seemed really intelligent"

"You're one of the top scorers back at ---- middle school right? I remember you"

That's when I realized that that was all I was to people: I'm smart

That's the only thing people valued about me, intelligence. Everyone else got varying answers

"Funny" & "Weird" & "Irritating (said with a laugh)"

"Quiet" & "Moody" & "Don't Mess With Me aura"

"Beautiful" & "Clumsy" & "Makeup Girl"

I only had one layer to me: smart