I AM AT WAR INSIDE

I am a soldIer in a battle of truth and lies,

WeAring chainmail that I pretend can convince the world that I am invincible.

SoMetimes they notice that I seem a little distant,

But they don't see Me as a person with fears and weaknesses.

It's becAuse armor hides the blood

AnD a helmet masks the tears.

To be honest, I am nEver exactly who you think I am, or who I think I am.

It's driving me mad, becaUse I'm the one who needs to know.

You can't tell me who I'm suPposed to be,

But hOw do I find out for myself,

If my own selF is always getting in the way?

Maybe I'm one of those girls who's always hiding behind a mask of Pretend

Because it makes me feel confident and feaRless

And leads me to beliEve that I'm strong, even when I get the feeling

That my true Self will never be accepted for who she is

Since she's so vulnErable and insecure,

And no oNe in this stupid world seems to have time

For people who are jusT as uncertain as they are.

Pretending that I already know who I Am

ProTects me from you people who are always trying to make me something.

And it protects me from myself and my ridIculous

Demands upOn myself and the way I think I should be.

But I caN't create myself like that-

The truth is sitting on my bed when I Wake up every morning,

And it snaps at my hEels every time I try to run away.

This truth reveals what I can and cAn't do,

Saying that I can never clean up all the junK in my life,

That I am No superhero,

And that I can't kill my own dEmons.

“Sometimes,” it Says, “there will be nothing you can do,

Except lay in your bed at night and Sob over how broken you are,

And how brokEn everything else is,

And how this brokenness has Shattered you and everything you love.”

Who am I to think that I can Save myself from breaking?

This liTtle porcelain heart that I carry around all the time is just asking to be broken,

And I get so fed up with it it that I stuffe it away in some moldy corner to Rot.

But at some some time or other it always comEs out of hiding to find out if I've abandoned it on

purpose...

And I guess I'll have to admit that I know what they sat about great weakNesses,

But then, if I didn't have to feel everythinG, maybe I'd last a little longer.

And maybe I'd be a little calmer, and heal a litTle faster.

But then How would I know what I feel and what I think, and who I want to be?

How would I underStand what I'm fighting for? Stupid heart.

When time Stops long enough to let me breathe,

And The busyness of my life fades for a few hours,

it reveals a battle between the life I pRay for

And the life that is no life bUt a path to death.

I can feel the death tuGging at my heart every day,

Whispering to me to make the wronG decisions,

Deceiving me into beLieving that they are right,

And I am afraid that it will bEat me,

So I pray with any Strength that I may possess,

For I must deCide to fight for truth.

That decision will make me wHo I am

And will dictate what I dO,

And I don't think I'll every know if I did it rIght.

I will just know that it was the deCision I had to make

BecausE of who I am:

Because who I am will always make my decisions. It haS to.

And the storm will come and my confidence will tear on the winD;

My uncertainty will fall on my head like rain and run dOwn my cheeks like tears

Of pain, anger, fear. I can't do this, I can't get you to Understand

The I know I could Be wrong and it could ruin everything,

But I had to take the risk and do someThing

BecauSe if I did nothing, I would forget who I am.

And when the rain ends, the sun will Jump out at you and me

Like a yellOw bullet that pierces our memories

And chases awaY all our fears and doubts for a moment.

It will call us out of our hand-made caves and we'll hold handS and forgive each other for all the hurt

we've caused.

I am vuLnerable.

I need yOu.

You haVe the ability to lift me up and make me laugh and make me remember who I am.

You don't have to buy my heart- I will givE it to you

For building me up and forgetting yourSelf for a while, for me.

And in the dead oF night when I'm laying on my bed awake

Because of all my stupid mistAkes

That have lodged in my head like splInters,

You, who have made so many mistakes, just Like me,

And torn at me and loved me, hUrt me and healed me

(Because our natuRes contradict themselves),

Will lay down beside mE and wrap your arms around me

Until my fearS get scared and run away.

You taught me how to loVe by loving me,

How to trust by beIng trustworthy,

How to make deCisions by making wise decisions

How to haTe by letting me down,

How tO destroy by being destructive,

And how to see the woRld as evil and good, and to know

What battles to fIght and what values to seek.

And if wE keep on going,

You have convinced me that I will underStand how I can be so evil and so good.

This boDy of mine is a world

Where chaos rEigns indefinitely, pricked

With sunrays of peace- hiding inside Me

Is everything I cannOt show you.

If you kNew who I really was, you would hate me and fear me,

AlmoSt as much as I hate and fear me.

So throw me a hAlo to wrap around my head

And let me chaNge from the outside in

Even though it's impossible; I just can't think of anythinG else to do...

There is no swEetness or beauty in me, save that

Which was pLaced there by someone else.

But... I guess that'S okay, as long as it's there.

Maybe I don't have to create my own Image.

Maybe I have so much dArkness in me

That I will never defeat Myself,

But mAybe I am full of darkness and light,

And maybe That's okay.

Maybe I've become my own Warden

In a prison I mAde for myself out of the bones of

All the failuRes and mistakes

That have rotted away In me,

And maybe I'll Never stop making mistakes,

But maybe the battle I'm fighting isn't to prove to you that I'm “worth Something”-

It's just me. Me. ThInking that I should be

Perfect, because that's how everyone pretenDs to be.

I'm ready to stop pretEnding.