I Am You

by turtlewriter

November 6, 2015

The shallow husk I have breaks.

It breaks when I'm alone,

When my "friends" leave the room,

Then my facade breaks.

But lately that facade stays up longer,

I hurt others so I am not hurt first,

Sarcastic comments, my main shield

against those piercing blades of my peers.

Who thought kids could be so vicious? Besides,

I thought school was a place to learn.

Too bad, so sad.

That was my main lesson,

I learned that I could not,

I could not be quirky,

I could not love to read,

I could not be skinny,

I could not be me.

Somewhere in the process

the shouts of derision

became mine,

it was no longer their ridicule,

it was mine,

You don't belong,

You aren't good enough,

my voice became entangled

with the multitude,

a single drop, in the tsunami that overcame me

I am the little boy who never matured,

Who still teared up when his soccer coach yelled at him.

The boy who couldn't take criticism

so insecure about himself,

So eager to change what didn't fit in

So I don't have the highest GPA,

Fine I'll just work harder.

Okay I get it I'm the smallest on the team,

this summer I'll get stronger.

Now I am too into my studies, I don't have a girlfriend,

I'll think about it.

You only have a couple friends,

I guess I'll be more social.

You're not coming to the party,

Maybe I'll come.

All I see is a list,

A chorus of voices slowly increasing in volume,

No longer a comment now a demand,

Not good enough.

pianissimo,

Try harder.

piano,

Is that the best you can do?

mezzo forte,

Are you even trying?

forte,

You suck.

fortissimo.

Then silence.

Loud silence engulfs me

so wrapped in my cocoon

nothing escapes

not my feelings,

not my emotions,

not my laughter,

not my love....

I am a list.

of things checked off,

Guess what? Now I have a better GPA,

Now I have a six-pack,

Now I have a girlfriend,

Now I have social media,

Now I go to parties,

Are you satisfied? 

Now I no longer am.

Now I am you ,

I am your voice

I am his voice

I am her voice

I am their voice

I am everyone's voice.

But mine.

Too bad so sad,

That was my motto,

I guess happy endings

are just dreams,

to help combat the daily scares,

to take the edge off my nightmares.

to keep me from imploding,

from the sadness I am exploding.

Too bad happy endings aren't true,

So sad I'll just push through,

Only one more thing.

Here's the thing about perfect,

It'll never come,

never,

not with my view,

or should I say his

Here's the thing,

perfect equals happiness,

But not in his eyes,

In my eyes,

My eyes must see perfect,

When they look into still water,

when they stare at that blank, reflection

Too bad so sad,

because I don't see it,

I see,

but I don't see me,

I see what could have been

what has already passed.

I see a shadow,

of that little boy,

who never matured,

Who still teared up when his soccer coach yelled at him.

The boy who couldn't take criticism

so insecure about himself,

So eager to change what didn't fit in.

I am everyone.

Everyone

but me.

I am

you.

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