I am...A Gay Catholic

I am 

A gay Catholic

A gay Catholic

You say?

Can you please

Explain?

What’s there

To even explain

I’m Catholic

And I’m gay

But they don’t

Belong together

Not in the same sentence

Not in the same title

Well, it’s there

It’s been said

It’s floating 

In the air

Hold up

Pause and rewind

How can you follow

This outdated faith

When you’re gay

Because doesn’t it

Explicitly tell

That you’ll be in Hell

I’ll rewind further

To my early adolescents

When that same question

Plagued my spirits

How can I love a women

Is it worth the flames

Does God even love me

Should I even stay

On this earth

On this plane

When at the end of my life

I’ll just end below

Exactly

That’s what I’m saying

So how can you put

Your rainbow

Beside the Crucifix 

My Crucifix

Is painted 

In my colors

In my flamboyance

My sexuality

Yes is my burden

Because I’m finding 

Some kind of balance

Between my voice

And the voice of others

The voice of Satan

And the voice of God

What do these

Different tones

Have anything to say

When it comes to you

Being Catholic

And a gay

It distinguishes

What the truth is

And if it’s another’s faith

That I’m living

Or my own

Through God alone

Answer me this

Just one little question

Have you always had

You faith this rooted

No, I haven’t

And I still don’t

From the moment

I stood in the bathroom

My heart racing

My veins constricting

Not aware

Of the truth filling

My trembling lungs

As a stumbling whisper

Through collapsed throat

Came out

“I am gay”

Why do this

Why go through it

Why not toss this cross

Live your life

Free of chains

Unweighed by expectations

Lifted from opinions

And truly enjoy

A gay day

If you didn’t

Follow this faith

I love being Catholic

I’ll sit in church

With my fingers interlaced

With this beautiful thing

That I call my girl

With my other hand

Raised to God 

Praying for guidance

To understand love

Yes, people will talk

And they’ll say things

That hurt

Sitting in a classroom

While students snicker

And your teacher

Just shakes his head

Doesn’t exactly build

Confidence

And when I’m alone

Voices spin

In my very being

And critique everything

Every thought

Every emotion

And every action

I feel invalid eyes

Judging me

Telling me

That there’s no one

Out there for me

That the colors in my heart

Coursing through my veins

That brought me relief

In the darkness 

Need to remain there

In my blood

And not on her lips

Not on her skin

And especially 

Not in the church

Not on the Crucifix

But I’ll be blunt

I may be gay

But I am loved

My community supports me

I am not a sin

There is no sin in love

No sin in me

There is some controversy

That I’m sorting through

Facing chastity

Having a taboo wedding

Is making love truly love

Or is it giving into lust

But my rainbow is beautiful

And He thinks so too

So yes,

I am a Catholic

And I am gay

And together

I’m a flamboyant

Jesus loving follower

Think what you want

But I’m finally proud

And content

In being a gay Catholic