I CLOSED THE DOOR

I Closed The Door 

I have to admit the space is nice
not to have to talk about my life 
or look at people in the eye when I need to cry 
I just want to be myself without someone telling how
my life needs to be 
how I should look 
what I must read 
what I should write about in life 
I feel too naked around a big crowd of liars
While everyone looks down on me 
with so much jealous and hate 
Because I wont let them live out my life or dreams
they hate me because they could never be me
I just want to hide 
Just run with the wind
where everyone would just stop looking at me 
the scars and all the pains that they all have given to me 
I want to run free from all of this mess 
I've made a nice big bed to lay my head 
My mother always said I was nothing but a black seed
Thoughts of emptiness and lost dreams is what she has given to me
I came from a family of darkness 
I am so ashame to ever say they are apart of my blood line
even the though of them makes me cry 
all they had ever given me is lies and so much blame 
look at the mess they made 
my soul holds on to all those nasty lies 
I can still hear the words of my mother that makes me cry
I have a sister her name is Diane 
But then she tries to act as if she is me 
she even tells every body her name is Judy or Lilly 
those names belong to me 
why is it she can not live her own life 
why is she so a shamed of herself 
Well I can tell her she well never be me
She is a stain that will never go away 
she did her wrongs then put her blames on me
I want to live my own life so give it back
at one time in my life it was once too hard for me to say no 
it was hard for me to know what was right or wrong
when you come from a darken home
I have seven brothers but I wont say their names
but I never had them in my life much 
but the one that where in my life was no good 
I moved on and set my self free 
It’s too easy to fall back in the trap they all set out for me
Who are you to tell me what to do 
I am the one that made you look good 
move on do you see what you have done 
I'm already out the door making a run
I have to remind myself all the reasons 
for letting go of the past I once known 
In my weaker moments I cry out to my God Jehovah
I keep knocking on the door of my Lord Jesus 
I got down on my knees out in the night
with all the pain everyone I once trusted had given me 
cuts on my heart that were very deep
I Looking back, hoping to find something good in my life
that's when I started to cry 
there was not even a glimpse of love 
Emptiness and so much pain dying out in the cold rain 
I'm still holding on to my God's name 
I am taking back my own name 
I don’t know why everyone has done this to me
but no more the door is closed behind me 
I set my life on happiness without the pains of deep loneliness .

Poetic Lilly J. Emery (c)