I cried, I learned, and I smiled.

To my dad

Did you know that you always made me cry. 

Did you know I learned different things about myself and you too?

Did you know you took away my smiles way too many times that I’ve lost count? 

He believed I was just being a naive little girl. Simply brainwashed by my mother so I can hate him. Yet I didn’t need her to “brainwash me” because in my head I didn’t hate him. I hated myself. Constantly wondering what did I do? Did I scare him away? Was I too much for him to deal with everyday? So I cried. 

He would promise me he would take me here, take me there, take me anywhere that made his “baby” happy. Yet I didn’t feel like his baby. I felt like some charity case. Often having to race for his attention. Oh I forgot to mention, his “baby” was a substance, an inanimate object that has no value yet was prioritized over me. I knew in his mind I’ll never be his #1 priority. But since he’s my father I had to respect him and his authority. I learned that this is what it is and I just have to deal with it. Whatever I guess, I learned. 

I am constantly anxious because of him. Anytime I have plans I constantly have this fear I’m going to be forgotten. Someone could be 2 minutes late and I’ll be terrified that they left me behind. Which I hate. I absolutely hate. Why do I have this feeling? Oh wait it’s because every time I was promised by you. Yes dad you. The one who is supposed to make me feel safe. Would promise me that you would be there. But you weren’t. Have no fear dad. Jr picked me up. Jr a man who came into the lives of my mother and I to make sure we would never have the fear of being left behind again. When you didn’t come to pick me up he did. When you promised me you’d be there. He would be there hugging me, patting my head, wiping away my tears, fixing my hair. At that moment I was aware he’d be there. So I smiled. 

Your absence used to break me but now if anything it makes me. It makes me into a stronger and better person. Thanks to your absence I have a true father who thanks to him gave me an amazing brother and sister. It is wonderful to witness that their childhood memories will never have an absence like mine.  I’ll admit I’m a little jealous and wish I had memories of you like that. Except I feel like a doormat, continually being stepped on by you and you wiping all your dirt on me. So I cried. 

They say blood is thicker than water yet there’s been tons of times when water was there and blood wasn’t. Teammates, coaches, staff took care of me more than you could have ever done in my 17 years of living. Do you actually care about my well being. Oh wait you don’t even care about your own. You’re constantly poisoning yourself because it makes all the pain go away. Well I have to say that’s selfish. Whatever. So I learned. 

Thanks to your absence I have others, who care for me like their own. My friend’s parents say you’re missing out on a wonderful daughter. They apologize for your mistakes and actions. Even though I’ll never get an apology from you. I owe it to myself to heal. Because I no longer have to feel alone. I have them to fill the void you created in my heart. The love I missed from you I receive from everyone else. As years go by I realize their love, fits into that void like a glove. So in the end I smiled.