i didnt say no...

he tells me to trust him...

he holds me so close...

frighteningly close...

i am shaking 

he insists it was the drinks

but as he wraps his arms around my waist

i bend my elbows and form fists that press against his chest.

where is she

she should be here

my friend left me alone with someone i barely knew

who was this kid?

someone who just happened to be around

when i took the sips 

id regret for a while.

sweat beats

as he reaches under my nose in attempts to steal a kiss

i pull back

and he giggles.

he pleads.

i have to'

maybe then hell let go of  me.

shivering

i do as told 

and feel his chapped lips lock with mine

his chapped lips that are lined

with the scent of beer and other liquor.

i can barely see him

its too dark outside 

but this alcohol

this acid eats through my self respect

loosens the limits i put on my body

and i allow what is to be done

to be done

to me.

suddenly he is kissing my neck

feeling me where i wouldn't usually be okay with

but i don't fight back

i don't fucking fight back...

was i too intoxicated to make my own decision?

there is no excuse for what i allowed to be done to me...

on a cold April midnight

under the stars faded from street lights

he knelt down and kissed me

my first

my second 

my third 

fourth

fifth 

sixth

seventh

eighth kisses

and i counted them all

one by one after breaks to breath air

AND I DIDN'T FUCKING FIGHT IT.

now, i cant sleep, because when i close my eyes 

i only imagine him leaning over me.

i take shower after shower

and no matter how much i scrub

i still feel his hands all over me

his hands dirty from the damp grass

ALL OVER ME

it will never go away 

it is burned into my memory

the day i was too drunk 

to say no