I don't get you

I don’t get you,

you made a promise to not only me but your wife, your kids, your cousin, to yourself. 

I gave you multiple chances to change your ways 

I forgave you thousands of times,

I would lie in bed staring at the sky, praying to god to keep you alive. For you to stay. 

But you still chose alcohol over me. 

Like I wasn’t enough, as if being your own flesh and blood the child You raised was just a chore that you chose to ignore. 

I don’t know if I was hard to handle 

Or if there was someone who was better than me, but I still should have meant something to you. 

Mikey should have meant something to you. Your first born son. 

But you left him too, you chose me over him. 

I understand how he felt now, 

He must have felt forgotten, unwanted. 

And you put those burdens on him. 

The things you said, left the biggest scar on him. 

You shot him in the back and didn’t even have the decency to give him a bandaid. 

I’m not gonna lie and say that you were such a horrible father, I’m not going to act like we had such a bad relationship, because the truth is we didn’t. 

You were my best friend, my inspiration. You were my dad. 

We went fishing every summer, I wasn’t the easiest to teach how to fish but I learned. 

I would wake you up at four in the morning, in a hot pink tank top and black leggings with a minion hat to match. 

Bouncing up and down ready to go.

We would blast bob marley on the way to the pier, singing our hearts out, while chewing powdered donuts on your italian leather. 

Feeling the blast of the base coming from the speakers in the back seat. 

Watching the sunrise on the pier, picking me up and pretending to throw me off the edge. 

You promised we would do that for the rest of our lives. 

What happened to that promise dad? 

I would forgive you instantly everytime you yelled at me. 

Every punishment for dropping crumbs on the seats, all the messes I made.
I forgave, every kid needs discipline.

I figured it was normal. 

I ignored all of the comments, I mean after all you said I was your little girl. 

I kept your secrets,  you said it was gonna end and that you were gonna fix things with mom.  

I remember the summer we didn’t go fishing. 

I begged you everyday to go, I didn’t understand that you couldn’t leave the house. 

I guess that was my fault, but still I should have gotten a simple answer instead of being shouted at. 

That was the worst summer, it was also the last. 

Because after that summer you got thrown out of the house. 

Mom found out you cheated on her for the fifth time, I didn’t understand why you guys fought so much. 

Until you were gone. 

I forgave you for the cheating, the yelling, your hitting, your drinking, for not being able to see mikey anymore. 

But you just couldn’t help yourself. 

You had to go even farther. 

There's no doubt in my mind that you tried to kill my mother. If I wasn’t standing there she would either be dead or in a hospital bed. 

 You choked her dad, you had your hands on her throat.
The same way you taught me how to fish. 

Her face was bruised and bloody, like a fish's corpse. 

I don’t know how long I stood there and watched but, it was long enough for me to watch you smile. 

You wanted to watch the lights go out in her eyes. 

I was horrified.
If you were willing to do that to your wife, what would you do to me. 

I’m your daughter, your blood. 

The same blood that's in me, was inside of my mother. And her blood I share was on her face, her body. Out of place. 

I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream, I just got up and yelled from downstairs to get my grandma's attention that “ mom and dad were fighting again.”  

I guess that got your attention more than it did hers. 

I remember you chased me upstairs. 

The same way we played tag, Momma screamed to stop but it was different than when she yelled at us for playing on the stairs. 

She wasn’t angry this time. 

It was almost as if she was gasping for air, or out of breath. I heard her voice crack, it broke my heart. 

I remember slamming the door in your face when I got to grandma's room. 

I remember she hugged me, I remember she looked numb. 

I never realised how often this happened until I stopped crying. 

It was like a routine. 

I can still hear the pounding on the door, the screams of my mother to stop. 

The scariest part of that night was when she stopped screaming, she stopped yelling, there was no crying. It was silent. 

Then we hear glass shattering, Mike yelling. 

And then momma asked to come into the room. 

Me and grandma were huddled together in a corner. 

She came into the room with a black eye, a busted lip, and her neck. I'll never forget her neck. 

She told us to call the police. 

I wanted to go get leland and maylia but my thoughts were interrupted, when he stepped in the room. 

He was quiet. 

He dragged momma out of the room. 

She told me to run. 

I did. 

I ran, I ran across the street. 

I don’t remember what happened after I got across the street it’s all a blur. 

I guess I fell or momma's blood was on me, because I had blood on me. 

I remember being wrapped in a blanket, on the side of the road.
The questions the cops asked me were stupid

Are you okay? Seriously, Yeah ‘i'm perfectly okay not like my dad just tried to kill me or anything. 

I remember looking at them and saying I was fine. 

I think that's when I decided that you werent gonna change. 

Everyone changed that night, except you. 

You moved on and did the same thing to another woman. 

I should have stopped you, maybe that woman would be okay. 

I don’t if she had kids or not but.
I should have done something. 

I don’t understand how you can do that to another human being 3 times. 

Nonetheless do it once. 

You know people tell me all the time, how wonderful I am 

Or how gentle

Caring, I think the reason I am the way I am. 

Is because of you. 

You hurt everyone but yourself. 

I try to save everyone but myself.

That's the difference between you and I. 

I would never hurt a soul, you don’t have a soul so you take others. 

I’m sorry, I know that you need my forgiveness to rehabilitate yourself.
But we’ve been through this before, you’ll be sober for a week and I’ll get my hopes up and then you break your promise. 

I can’t forgive an apology that I never received.