i don't, i never.

in the mountains, the oxygen isn't enough. i breathe but i want more, more, more.

i want to climb higher. i am tired and awake. tears in my eyes, i am laughing. i am so close to the sun, like Icarus, i want to be set on fire

you look up at me from below,  you're not smiling. please come back down.

you're scaring me.

i laugh harder, i cry harder. my eyes are burning. i'm okay. i don't even need to breathe.

you hold out your hand for me, i will never take it.

in the ocean, i sink, sink, sink. i feel the pressure, i open my mouth and let the salt water fill me up. i want to be consumed. i want to be swallowed whole by the deep, deep darkness.

you're above me, you frown. you look at me,  please come back up.

you're scaring me.

you hear my muted scream, this is where i belong.

you hold out your hand for me, i will never take it.

i wake up the next day, you're by my side, you put pills in my mouth, you run your hands through my hair, you kiss my forehead. 

i look at the ceiling, i stare at the wall.

you smile sadly at me,  you came back to me. you scared me.

i don't respond, you hold out your hand, i will never take it.

i wash, you rinse, i repeat.