I Don't Know

I don't feel like me.

I haven't felt like me in a long time.

It feels like I've left myself behind, 

and there's no going back to find me.

I can't retrace my steps, 

because that's not how life works.

You can't just backtrack to the past

to find the parts of yourself that you've lost along the way.

I kinda wish you could.

But no, I'm here,

right here and right now,

just me, 

except I don't know who that is.

If someone asks, "Who are you?"

I have to answer "I don't know."

In my head, I want to answer with

"I'm a child of God",

or give my name or occupation.

But at this point, I'm having a hard time believing the former,

and sometimes I don't even know the latter.

What's my name?

My occupation is unknown to me right now.

I have nothing to define me

if I can't believe in God

and the truths he shows me.

The truths I can't seem to believe right now,

as much as I wish I could.

And it leaves me trapped,

stuck, broken,

with no clue what to do.

What am I doing?

Where am I going?

Why am I here?

What am I working towards?

Who am I working for?

When will it all make sense?

How will I know if I'm going the right way?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

What do I know?

You can probably guess the answer to that by now:

I don't know.

And until I can find some of the pieces that can help hold me together,

that show me who I am,

I'll answer the same. 

Though at this point,

Will I ever find them?

Is it too late?

Am I a lost cause?

Did I leave too many pieces behind?

Is it hopeless to even keep trying at this point?

Can I be restored to my former self?

Can I become even better and stronger than my former self?

I. Don't. Know.

Maybe I never will.

Or maybe I will, and I'll wish I never found out.

Either way, I still don't feel like me,

and I'm hoping that someday I will again,

but when it comes down to it,

down to whether or not that hope will become a reality,

I don't know.