"I don't know how"

"I don't know how," he says to me.

It's been 17 years and it only took three.

Three years of my life wasted on a process;

A process to let go of the one man who should promise,

promise not to leave, promise not to let go

promise not to sleep with a 27 year old.

"I don't know how," he yells at me.

The one thing I need, is saying this to me.

"I don't know how to be your father," his voice cracks.

Suddenly there is a knife in my back

A pain in my chest, a pain in my head

My eyes are filled with water but I just laugh instead

"I've needed you now, for 17 years,

I've had time to think, I'm done holding in tears

You don't know how because you never tried

You're the reason I hurt, you're the reason I've tied

myself down." 

Suddenly I am on the ground.

I'm begging for change, for what must have been once.

While he holds his 2 month old without cognizance.

So if the prompt is asking, what it is that I need--

it's a father who doesn't see past me.