I don't matter

I always sit on the sidelines No one asks me to join them in the front. I watch from afar and sit quietly I observe everyones actions and see them for who they are, not who they pretend to be. When I'm with my "friends," I smile and laugh, But if they were to look at me closely, they would see that my smile never reaches my eyes. They would see that I don't wear sweatshirts "just because I'm always cold." They would notice that my smile wavers when I feel the urge to just scream and cry and shout at God. "Why me?! What have I ever done to deserve to feel so empty and hopeless?!" I notice that their smiles are fake towards me. I have acknowledged that every one of them has talked about me behind my back, Yet I stay with them. Why? The answer is simple: Without them I will truly be alone. I would be alone with my thoughts and my thoughts are not all sunshine and rainbows. They see me on the sidelines. They smile and wave but not one of them gestures me over. They will tell you they are my friends but do not want me to feel uncomfortable by being in the midst of them. However, If they were my friends they would truly know that I want to be acknowledged. That I would love to be in the spotlight if only they would invite me. My whole life I've been on the sidelines... I guess its because I dont matter like they do