I don't remember when

I don't remember when I first heard the word

I don't remember when I first knew what it meant

I don't remember anyone telling me

I don't remember realizing that my family frowned at it

But I do remember thinking that my family was right

That it was wrong

I have never hated myself so much for thinking anything

than I have for that

I remember secret conversations with the girl who

tried to change me

and who did

and who I always thank forever because looking back

I want to throw up

How could I be like that?

Now I know that maybe I was scared

Not scared of it but scared of myself

Scared that I was like "them"

I sicken myself

I remember sixth grade

I remember crushing on a girl but not knowing it

I remember thinking she was the most beautiful girl

I had ever seen

I remember not even considering that I liked her

I remember seventh grade

I remember the same thing happening all over again

And telling myself it was just admiration

But now I was a bit worried

I remember telling my friend I would never hate gay people

But I would never support them either

I remember eighth grade

I remember lying outside my house at night with my friend

And not knowing how to tell her

‘I think I’m bi’

Didn’t know what I expected but she just smiled and said

‘Cool’

I remember when I realized I had a crush on a girl

It was frightening

I had become the thing I used to disapprove of

I remember telling myself that I wouldn’t let it get out of hand

But then I remember the dance

And I remember seeing her walk in

Blue dress high on the thighs, low on the shoulders

And I remember thinking

Oh God

I’m in love

Somebody help me

I remember thinking that this only happened in books

In romance novels

‘Dry mouth, racing heart, light-headed’

But there I was, panicking because damn

She was too gorgeous to be legal

I remember flirting around with the idea of love

I remember trying to deny that I loved her

I never use that word lightly

And I had never been in love before

How should I know what it was like?

But I discovered

Love is blind and blinding

I remember falling deeper and deeper into the pit I was digging for myself

Screaming at myself to let her go but knowing I would die without her

I remember telling myself I hoped she would just leave so that

maybe I could be happy again

I don’t remember the heartbreak of saying goodbye to her

Because it hasn’t happened yet

But I do remember when I heard she was leaving

Really leaving

Moving away

And for a few moments I didn’t really understand

She couldn’t be leaving

She couldn’t be leaving me

I should be used to leaving, to moving, to change

But even when it doesn’t catch me by surprise

it stills catches me in its ropes of misery

She hasn’t left yet

But she will soon

I have two more days to say goodbye

Two more days to maybe finally tell her

Two more days before I will surely never see her again

Two more days isn’t enough

Two more months isn’t enough

Two more years, two more lifetimes, it’s not enough

It will never be enough

And neither will I

Not for her